Back again.

So. Today is memorial day, so we had a three day weekend.
suicide is painless just came on my itunes. brb.
sorry. I can't pass up that song.
anyway.
long weekend.
I've been "stalking" the kid that lives across from me for a while now. I knew we were similar in some ways because we have Art together first period, but I've always been too tired or awkward to go talk to them...but whatever. we've hung out every day this weekend, because he sort of just shows up, but it's cool. He's a pretty good kid, and I think we'll get along well this summer.
I can't wait for summer. I really can't. I just want to relax for a while, and just chill out. 6 more days of school, including finals and such. but that's fine. I have summer to look forward to. I don't care. Been hanging out with Leviticus a lot, which is pretty cool. He has his own little apartment over a barn type thing on his dad's property which is really neat.
Did shit with Lilphoot, Emeral, Leviticus and SamWow this weekend. It was pretty great.
Whatever. I'm just going to write in my journal because I don't trust this anymore. Not that I should have in the first place, but people can be exceedingly rude.
Future Me, check the burlap-ish florally journal for details. The one from Kim.

Reh?

Figured I should finish/update again. Not sure why. I just went through the last 4 pages of my posts, and was kind of astounded at how static I am. But I'm not too concerned.
Dugald died.
Now, my usual stance on death is similar to the Tralfamadorians'(sp.):"So it goes". But...I knew Dugald since I could walk. He was in my brother's grade, a peer group whom I've always seemed to be around. He rode my mother's bus, which meant I got to see what he was really like: when there was no one at the bus stop for a small child, he'd walk them up to their house to make sure they were safe. He never had anything bad to say about anyone, and that's a novelty in today's society. So, my official stance of the death of Dugald Day: We'll miss you, bro. And if there's a heaven, I hope same day we can meet up and blaze.
Moving on.
Since I sort of receded from everyone else, Lilphoot was really the only person I hung out with. This is still mostly true, but other people aren't terrible. She and I have spent the last several weekends at iHop, making things out of duct tape. A lot (a lot.) of the people there have told us to go into business for ourselves, which doesn't sound like too bad of an idea, but neither of us really know where to start. We're doing a baby shower in August, and probably a wedding in 2013. I guess...we're excited? No. I mean...we're...glad? that people enjoy what we do...but to us, it's just...what we do. Hopefully soon(after exams and such) I'll be putting together out portfolio, because everyone always asks us what we can do. Well, the unofficial list (unofficial because it's all from my crappy memory) is many many flowers, 2 corsages(so far), a laptop case, a DSiXL case, multiple bows, a tuxedo, a top hat, and a bowtie for Karl, a choker, and a little car made of duct tape and straws (with moving wheels) for one of the waitress' sons, who seemed to absolutely love it. We don't really know what we're capable of until we do it, so the portfolio won't really be a good benchmark of our capability...but it's a start.
I made Sam's corsage for Prom. I'm taking Sam to prom;how about we start there? I asked her a while back...like, last semester. And she's really excited. So am I, actually. While I was with Zach, I didn't want to go because I was so hopelessly in love that I couldn't imagine going with someone other than him. But now... fuck it. I want to go and have fun, and maybe be (le gasp!) a normal teenager for a night. Well...as normal as I can be when I'm taking a girl, and wearing a suit. I plan on looking dashing. Zach didn't want me to dress like a guy. Actually, I'm not sure if that's true. He actually had a problem because I called it a tux instead of a suit. He didn't want me to wear a tux; he was ok with a suit. But I'm wearing a suit, because a. tuxes are expensive, and b. I look dashing anyway.
Things have changed since things with Zach. 2/3rds of the people I've kissed are girls. And you know something? I am terribly ok with that. I'm not...trying to get back at him or anything. Well, I'm actually not entirely sure of that. I could be, and for that, I apologize to my future self for being so petty. But I'm trying to make the best of things right now, and trying to be levelheaded and things and stuff...
My ears are two different sizes. One's a 2, because I recently gauged up, and the other is a 6, because it got infected, and then the earring I had in slipped out and it closed up to a 6 over night. It's still infected, and I don't really want to gauge two sizes in 2 weeks (especially after remembering what a bitch 6 to 4 was. yikes.), so it might just have to stay like that until after prom.
AP exams start this week. I'm taking 3 AP classes next year. I don't even know why. I plan on going to community college anyway.
Whatever.
I'm going to try to update more often...or something. Maybe.
I actually don't even know if anyone reads this anymore. But I'm ok with talking to an empty house. Sometimes you hear what you need to in the echoes.

Thanks, Gippeto!

I have no clue if I spelled that properly. I assume I didn't. I always hated Pinocchio, anyway. It was creepy and it scared me a small child. Anyway.
Against my earlier predictions, I have survived. Melodrama-ain't it great?
Then things with Sam and Chris...I don't care anymore. Well, that's untrue. It's more than I *can't* care anymore. I remembered that giving a fuck kills me. It's still hard for me to deal with him, as a friend. Because who the fuck does things like that? Not someone I would call my big brother. My official stand on the matter as a whole is that while he can go fuck himself, if he was in the hospital, I'd visit him. Moving on.
School's almost out. Tomorrow I'm going to Gettysburg ("I went to Gettysburg once!"-enter the neverending story of how my mother took an audio tape-guided tour of Gettysburg once with her parents, presumably right after the fighting was done.)on an AP field trip, which should be...interesting to say the least. I'll be stuck with Adam the entire the time, which isn't as bad as I make it out to be. He's just...high strung. That's a good description of Adam.
Did pottery in Art class. I have a nice little collection of...things now. Like a Pokeball, and weird elephant with "Be Fearless- You have no other choice" written on the back, a bowl that's supposed to look like a catfish emerging from water but it's more horrifying than anything, a medallion, and an attempt at a hinged DS which didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped, but not terrible. I started glazing the elephant today, and it's rose and turquoise. Anyway.
My computer. Is beast. The only non-OP thing is my lack of hard drive space, because I never got my terrabyte put in. But I have a 23 inch monitor, the Black Widow Ultimate Keyboard (backlit ftw), and the Naga Molten Gaming Mouse (17 buttons ftw).

Cutting this short. Emeral's here, and we're broing it out. Update later.

Well then.

So, I'm single.
And I'll look back on this in 5, 10, however many years, and laugh because I was a dumb little girl who though a teenage romance would last. Whatever. But seriously, who the fuck tells their girlfriend that he's "not sure about my feelings" on their two year anniversary? I'm not ever sure if that's the worst of it. He thought it was our 1 year anniversary, and he asked me if I was going to get my learner's soon.
PROTIP: I've had my learner's since September of last year.

And before I get ahead of myself, yes, I am fully aware that he was busy with other things. Family, school, work, yes, they all precedence over me, and for good reason. But seriously?
That was like the day that I thought I had lost my grandmother's ring, and I was freaking out during first period, and this kid asks me "Will your grandmother be mad?"
...
"She's dead."
Shit, you should have seen the look on his face.
Ok, maybe it's not exactly like that, but I wanted to tell that story. I later found the ring, in my 4th period gym class. It fell onto the floor in the middle of those fucking exercises. To this day I have no idea how it got there, but I don't really care. I found it, I have it, and I'm happy.
Anyway.
Zach.
Yes.
After he told me that I just...cried. What the fuck was I supposed to say? There I'd been that previous week, planning a romantic anniversary, being excited since we hadn't been able to see each other on our 1st anniversary, and little do I know that he was trying to figure out how to tell me he didn't know if he loved me or not.
I think the bitch of it was that for the following two days, all I thought about was how we would fix it and move on. Idealistic, moi?
Then he started talking to me on Monday, on gmail. I was curt, I'll admit, because I'd realized I'd shown too much emotion on Saturday for my safety as a human being. No one should see when they've hurt you, unless you know it will hurt them back. And thinking on it now, I don't know if my pain ever bothered him at all. Sure, he held me and gave me the generic "I'm sorry I made you cry." or "I'm sorry I hurt you." But it was all very...robotic.
Fuck.
I think for our entire relationship he was robotic, I just didn't let myself notice.
I hate myself for being such a little girl.
And now I've come to "If he doesn't love me, who the fuck will?"
And honestly, who could? Obviously not him, and my prediction is no one else for a very long time.

Backdactyl.

.

Subject has returned to the building

So I have Mitchell's laptop in my room right now. amazingly enough, not a whole lot has happened in the past 2 months. I got the rules for my foster care last wednesday which are completely asinine. here, look for yourself.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

yeah.

so suddenly I dont feel like typing anything else because the fan on this thing s making a buzzing sound that makes me want to kill myself and the keyboard sucks.

peace.

Continued. Scroll down one before you read this.

Subject is experiencing recurring thoughts of suicide, though no formal plans have been made. She has noted a twinge in her wrists that she claims to be comparable to an itch to drag a razor blade across them. This has been experienced before. Subject feels as though he could make it all better, though part of her mind knows it's not true. The other part feels as though it is worth a try. Subject would like to scratch all of her skin off and laugh while she is doing it. Subject just started crying again. She would like the voices in her head to stop before she completes her ride on the road to insanity. Subject would like to give everyone a reason to stop saying "She's taking it well". Subject would like to cause everybody the pain she feels. Especially the people she loves. Subject is crying once again. Subject would like to start cutting on her hands again so people can see it. Not for attention, but just so they stop talking to her. She feels a pull towards the idea of becoming a recluse and refusing to come out of her room. She would like to scream and cry and punch and kick and have him hold her and make sure she knows he will not let her go. Subject would like to think she would believe him when he said that.
Subject knows she would not.
Subject would like to contact his friend herself to let him know she is not imaginary as he believes her to be.
Subject feels that if she were thin and attractive she would have already met his friends.
Subject feels a mischievous sort of happiness at the thought of getting a ride to his house and introducing herself to his parents.
Subject feels a strange alienation from her friends and family. She would like to run into her aunt and uncle's room, jump on there bed and explain all of the ways she would like to murder them. She would like to be committed.

god fuck shit cunt dammit.

So I think I may have begun my breakdown.
The psychologist part of me is observing the rest of as I slowly degenerate into the most primitive of the human emotions:
Anger
Grief
Happiness (however brief my current experiences of it are)
Subject has spent the past 4 hours breaking into seemingly random fits of tears and aggression. As she has no one to physically take out her anger on, it reverts to her in the form of cutting and chewing on her lips. Subject did not eat with the rest of the family until her fit was over, and even then just had two pieces of buttered bread and sat down to watch I Love Lucy.
Subject has been exceedingly rude to her significant other, accusing him of not listening to her, not caring, and generally making him feel like crap. The words "I am sorry I failed you love" were sent through text to her, at which she began to sob uncontrollably. Subject plans on not eating for a while except for the family meals that will be a necessity as to not get in trouble or have any suspicion cast upon her. Subject has described feelings of having her world crashing down upon her. She cannot go 10 minutes without crying. She feels her only retreat without Zach there to text throughout the day is sleep. Subject is distrustful of everybody, including her boyfriend. Subject feels the need to curl up into a ball and let her situation float over her. Subject wishes he were here to hold her as she curls into a ball. Subject wishes she wasn't so "damned reliant" on him. She is beginning to hate his parents for being so suspicious of him that he won't come see her on his weekend off.

Subject will finish this later.

Kinda cut the last one short...

So I was completely serious when I said mom had od'd.
I had gone into the bathroom because mom's bath was taking entirely too long. So I opened the shower door and found her with her face partially underwater. After several unsuccessful attempts to make her sit up I called Mitchell in who realized she wasn't just drunk as I had suspected.
She said she took 30 trazadone (sleeping pills hat she has a prescription for). Or rather, mumbled that she had. She couldn't really talk and I don't think she knew we were there. So I called Roger and then dad called 911 who took a ridiculously long time to get her ("You need to mark your driveway better" yeah, we'll get right on that. Now could you go get my practically comatose mother to the god damned hospital please?)

So we went to the hospital after the ambulance left. Basically we waited there for a few hours while they ran tests on her and asked us dumb fucking questions ("How do you know she drinks if you don't know where she keeps it?"- some dumb ass EMT that I wanted to punch in the idiot mouth if he hadn't been 2 feet taller than me) Then Ginger and Roger showed up and sat with us in the waiting room. They also invited their minister to come sit with us which made me want to go up to the maternity ward and kick every bassinet and stomp on the enclosed babies after I heard what she had to say ("We pray to you, great Lord, that everything will work out. While we may not understand your plan all the time, we trust in you to show us the way"- paraphrased, but seriously? No, fuck you. This great fucking god of yours has let both of my parents attempt suicide before I can even legally drive. So fuck you, fuck your sermon, and fuck your great fucking plan for us all because I want no part of it.)

So then they admitted her and dad spent the night at the hospital while Ginger and roger took us home because Bubbles and his friend Jimmy were already there waiting for us.

She's in ICU, sedated so she can get through the DT's. Her blood alcohol level was 2.61 when she was brought in, so if she was n0rmal, she would have been fucked up even without the trazadone.

And we're losing our house. That's what started the whole thing. I found he letter in the mail, showed it to Mitchell who went out and asked mom what the fuck it was about. Apparently she hasn't paid the mortgage in 9 months. She told him to kill her so we could use the insurance to buy the house back. He declined her offer, so she took it upon herself.

I'm constantly on the verge of breaking down, but for some reason I won't let myself. I'm not sure what will happen when I do. I told Zach I would try to warn him before I did so he could take cover. He's being tremendously supportive and I appreciate it. I haven't really cried since I found her and realized what was going on.
Maybe it hasn't hit me yet? I dunno. It will in its' own time and I'm not sure if I'll be ready when it does.

qefgWEG

so.

Went to Longwood, which was fun. basically just hung out with Zach and Amanda friday night, then slept in her room after snuggling with him for a bit. Then Saturday they forced me to play marvel ultimate alliance 2 before we went to lunch... then they made me eat. Zach left because he was done eating and he had to take dayquil for his cold which he totally gave to me but that's beside the point. She Amanda suggested i go with him, so I did. But I got lost when I tried to put my dishes away but Chad helped me out a bit... and then I had to call Zach to let me into the building becasue he had left before me and hadn't known I would be following him. So I stood in the rain for about 5 minutes waiting for him to answe his phone. But then we went up and watched movies for 6 hours before he made me go to bed. Then sunday morning went over to his room and cuddled and watched videos on youtube until we had to go across the street to the mcdonalds to meet mom.

Then Monday Morning I wake up to Mitchell yelling at mom for sleeping in too late to take him to community service. to make a long story short, she was drunk all day, then she pissed Mitchell off by coming into his fuckign shower and trying to open the shower door on him... so she now has a broken tail bone and a black eye.


cant finish this rifght now. Mom just od'd.
bye.

What I would have done differently

What I would have done differently today:

I would have told Bubbles to fuck himself when he called me at 2:30 in the morning to wake me up because he and Miranda were coming over.
I would have worn different pants than the ones that fall down with every step.
I would have not taken Mitchell and Mom's little joke of "losing me" so personally.
I would have told Mom to fuck herself when she said ''Oh, these will fit. Trust me."
I would have gotten that kick ass pinstriped bra.
I wouldn't have eaten at the Chinese restaurant.
I (probably) wouldn't have told Zach about my social anxiety.
I would gave told Mitchell and Mom to let me go into Grammy's house by myself for a few minutes.
I would have told the grandmother in Wal Mart not to yell at her grandchild for talking so much because she would miss it when he stopped talking once he got to be my age.
I wouldn't have brought up dad while we were driving.
I wouldn't have seen my mother's face fall when I did.
I wouldn't have burned myself on my cigarette.
I would have not been obnoxious to Zach when he was talking about the homicide near Longwood.
I wouldn't have asked my mother when she lost her virginity. (she was 15. 15!)
I would have tried to calm down in the middle of Wal Mart even though I practically had a panic attack.
I would have tried to be back home before Leviticus got here, even though I had no idea he was coming.
I wouldn't have told Mitchell that I hate mom. I want to have that information to myself.

dear god I'm lazy

Uhh hi.
So I haven't posted in...well, a while.
Not much has happened, and I'm ok with that.
I mean, unless you count the whole thing with court and my conselour.... but that's for later.
Zach's back at college, but I should be able to go see him in 2 weeks assuming mom doesn't throw a hissy fit and say she won't drive me.

So I'm currently looking at my fucking disgusting room, willing it to clean itself. It's almost worse than before, and that's saying something.
I think... I will clean tonight and then shower, and then try to be asleep by the time mom leaves for work. Probably wishful thinking, but I can try.

My court appointed counselor told my mom that I cut myself. It's pretty difficult to look her in the eye right now. My mom, I mean. My counselor's a bitch who i wish would just leave me the fuck alone and let me fix myself on my own.
But no. She has this whole plan of things she wants me to work on. Including, but not limited to, spending more time with my parents.
Why.
Just.
Fucking.
Why.
I don't really like my parents.
It's not even the typical teenage thing of "BAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ME IMA GO CUT MY HAIR DIAGONAL ACROSS MY FACE AND SEE IF THEY NOTICE ME THEN"
It's more of I see them as equals.
But I do sort of have this anger and disappointment of the whole not taking care of me and actually raising me instead of getting high/ drunk thing.
But I don't actively hate them. In fact, it would work well if we could just stay out of each others' way.
But nooooooo.
Sharon has all of these big ideas about fixing our family dynamic.
Not possible.
Not even plausible.
Stupid cunt.
You wonder why the suicide rate among teens is so high?
It's because you mess with them so fucking much and they get tired of it.
You can only bend wire so much before it snaps.
God I dislike that woman.

sdfgnjiwrug

Ok, so I think it's been proven that I am way to lazy to make this private. I also really don't care as much as I probably should. So what's been up with me for the past month?

Well, I've seen Zack a total of three times so far, and he's coming over again on Friday. I did clean my room, and I rearranged it so my bed is on the other side of the room. This past weekend Austen and I, after much bitching on my part, put up curtain type things made of sheets around my bed. They serve no purpose other than to keep Pennywise the Dancing Clown away from me while I sleep. (I started reading It, at Zach's constant suggestion. I don't think I've ever been more paranoid in my life.

Actually, I have to go now so I can get my book back from Mitchell. He took it because I can't see some stupid Magic Eye bullshit. I'm already pissy and have a headache, so this hasn't helped. I shall go retrieve my book now. Later.

Shhhh

Alright, I'm going to be making the blog private. If you want to be able to read it, comment on this post saying as much. Dont be timid... I really dont care who reads it, just dont want just anybody to, ya dig?

This will be my last post for a bit so whoever frequents can see this.... so I'll update now.
Zach leaves college tomorrow, which means I'll more likely than not be able to see him next week....kinda excited, kinda scared....

And I just told him that i cut myself. He took it fairly well.
Going to clean my room tomorrow so when he comes over he doesnt see it like this... because Austen was right. There are layers, and I'm sure you could spend days finding new things.

Talk to you guys later.

peace

Attencion

Everybody, Please be careful tomorrow. Not really worth explaining, but just keep an eye out for anything strange or unnerving...and remember that things will get better.

Peace

back

got back yesterday. It was a nice weekend, very hot.
grammy's back in the hospital, and I'm about to start cleaning my room again. Corbin's asleep on my couch in mitchell's room.

peace.

Bye

just a fast update before ginger and roger get home and we have to leave.
Umm...packed yesterday, roger picked me up, talked to Zach a few times, had dinner ( with a salad and everything... I swear ginger is june cleaver reincarnate.) went to bed...Zach called me at one in the morning....read a book about how evil liberals are and how saintlike the right wing is. I lol'd repeatedly.

Well, I'll talk to you guys in a little more than 2 days... Zach's supposed to call me right about now so I need to go somewhere where I have signal (e.g. not the basement where the computer is located.)

Everyone have a safe, fun weekend. I'll update when I get back

peace

Ghostly?

she's seen my grandfather.
what a coincidence. So have I. The only thing I regret now is that I dont remember where she said she had seen him.

I felt like posting that for some reason.



**She = My grandmother. We went to see her. She's batty.

clothes?

found another pair of pants... they're old, and were bought too small but now they fit which makes me feel really good :D
I also found another girl cut shirt, when i thought I only had one in my possession. I stand corrected. I still need to pack for this weekend. I cleaned my bowl kinda sorta.
The onyl thing I've had to eat today is doritos, and i shoudl probably get something real to eat before Zach calls me and bugs me about that some more. I know he wants the best for me, so I dont really mind. I wish it was still raining though. It was nice earlier, walking around in the rain while the power was off on the phone with Zach.

I likve these pants. And this shirt.

I'm awesome.

Damn.

I'm almost back to where I started. Fuck my life.