Subject has returned to the building

So I have Mitchell's laptop in my room right now. amazingly enough, not a whole lot has happened in the past 2 months. I got the rules for my foster care last wednesday which are completely asinine. here, look for yourself.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

yeah.

so suddenly I dont feel like typing anything else because the fan on this thing s making a buzzing sound that makes me want to kill myself and the keyboard sucks.

peace.

Continued. Scroll down one before you read this.

Subject is experiencing recurring thoughts of suicide, though no formal plans have been made. She has noted a twinge in her wrists that she claims to be comparable to an itch to drag a razor blade across them. This has been experienced before. Subject feels as though he could make it all better, though part of her mind knows it's not true. The other part feels as though it is worth a try. Subject would like to scratch all of her skin off and laugh while she is doing it. Subject just started crying again. She would like the voices in her head to stop before she completes her ride on the road to insanity. Subject would like to give everyone a reason to stop saying "She's taking it well". Subject would like to cause everybody the pain she feels. Especially the people she loves. Subject is crying once again. Subject would like to start cutting on her hands again so people can see it. Not for attention, but just so they stop talking to her. She feels a pull towards the idea of becoming a recluse and refusing to come out of her room. She would like to scream and cry and punch and kick and have him hold her and make sure she knows he will not let her go. Subject would like to think she would believe him when he said that.
Subject knows she would not.
Subject would like to contact his friend herself to let him know she is not imaginary as he believes her to be.
Subject feels that if she were thin and attractive she would have already met his friends.
Subject feels a mischievous sort of happiness at the thought of getting a ride to his house and introducing herself to his parents.
Subject feels a strange alienation from her friends and family. She would like to run into her aunt and uncle's room, jump on there bed and explain all of the ways she would like to murder them. She would like to be committed.

god fuck shit cunt dammit.

So I think I may have begun my breakdown.
The psychologist part of me is observing the rest of as I slowly degenerate into the most primitive of the human emotions:
Anger
Grief
Happiness (however brief my current experiences of it are)
Subject has spent the past 4 hours breaking into seemingly random fits of tears and aggression. As she has no one to physically take out her anger on, it reverts to her in the form of cutting and chewing on her lips. Subject did not eat with the rest of the family until her fit was over, and even then just had two pieces of buttered bread and sat down to watch I Love Lucy.
Subject has been exceedingly rude to her significant other, accusing him of not listening to her, not caring, and generally making him feel like crap. The words "I am sorry I failed you love" were sent through text to her, at which she began to sob uncontrollably. Subject plans on not eating for a while except for the family meals that will be a necessity as to not get in trouble or have any suspicion cast upon her. Subject has described feelings of having her world crashing down upon her. She cannot go 10 minutes without crying. She feels her only retreat without Zach there to text throughout the day is sleep. Subject is distrustful of everybody, including her boyfriend. Subject feels the need to curl up into a ball and let her situation float over her. Subject wishes he were here to hold her as she curls into a ball. Subject wishes she wasn't so "damned reliant" on him. She is beginning to hate his parents for being so suspicious of him that he won't come see her on his weekend off.

Subject will finish this later.

Kinda cut the last one short...

So I was completely serious when I said mom had od'd.
I had gone into the bathroom because mom's bath was taking entirely too long. So I opened the shower door and found her with her face partially underwater. After several unsuccessful attempts to make her sit up I called Mitchell in who realized she wasn't just drunk as I had suspected.
She said she took 30 trazadone (sleeping pills hat she has a prescription for). Or rather, mumbled that she had. She couldn't really talk and I don't think she knew we were there. So I called Roger and then dad called 911 who took a ridiculously long time to get her ("You need to mark your driveway better" yeah, we'll get right on that. Now could you go get my practically comatose mother to the god damned hospital please?)

So we went to the hospital after the ambulance left. Basically we waited there for a few hours while they ran tests on her and asked us dumb fucking questions ("How do you know she drinks if you don't know where she keeps it?"- some dumb ass EMT that I wanted to punch in the idiot mouth if he hadn't been 2 feet taller than me) Then Ginger and Roger showed up and sat with us in the waiting room. They also invited their minister to come sit with us which made me want to go up to the maternity ward and kick every bassinet and stomp on the enclosed babies after I heard what she had to say ("We pray to you, great Lord, that everything will work out. While we may not understand your plan all the time, we trust in you to show us the way"- paraphrased, but seriously? No, fuck you. This great fucking god of yours has let both of my parents attempt suicide before I can even legally drive. So fuck you, fuck your sermon, and fuck your great fucking plan for us all because I want no part of it.)

So then they admitted her and dad spent the night at the hospital while Ginger and roger took us home because Bubbles and his friend Jimmy were already there waiting for us.

She's in ICU, sedated so she can get through the DT's. Her blood alcohol level was 2.61 when she was brought in, so if she was n0rmal, she would have been fucked up even without the trazadone.

And we're losing our house. That's what started the whole thing. I found he letter in the mail, showed it to Mitchell who went out and asked mom what the fuck it was about. Apparently she hasn't paid the mortgage in 9 months. She told him to kill her so we could use the insurance to buy the house back. He declined her offer, so she took it upon herself.

I'm constantly on the verge of breaking down, but for some reason I won't let myself. I'm not sure what will happen when I do. I told Zach I would try to warn him before I did so he could take cover. He's being tremendously supportive and I appreciate it. I haven't really cried since I found her and realized what was going on.
Maybe it hasn't hit me yet? I dunno. It will in its' own time and I'm not sure if I'll be ready when it does.

qefgWEG

so.

Went to Longwood, which was fun. basically just hung out with Zach and Amanda friday night, then slept in her room after snuggling with him for a bit. Then Saturday they forced me to play marvel ultimate alliance 2 before we went to lunch... then they made me eat. Zach left because he was done eating and he had to take dayquil for his cold which he totally gave to me but that's beside the point. She Amanda suggested i go with him, so I did. But I got lost when I tried to put my dishes away but Chad helped me out a bit... and then I had to call Zach to let me into the building becasue he had left before me and hadn't known I would be following him. So I stood in the rain for about 5 minutes waiting for him to answe his phone. But then we went up and watched movies for 6 hours before he made me go to bed. Then sunday morning went over to his room and cuddled and watched videos on youtube until we had to go across the street to the mcdonalds to meet mom.

Then Monday Morning I wake up to Mitchell yelling at mom for sleeping in too late to take him to community service. to make a long story short, she was drunk all day, then she pissed Mitchell off by coming into his fuckign shower and trying to open the shower door on him... so she now has a broken tail bone and a black eye.


cant finish this rifght now. Mom just od'd.
bye.

What I would have done differently

What I would have done differently today:

I would have told Bubbles to fuck himself when he called me at 2:30 in the morning to wake me up because he and Miranda were coming over.
I would have worn different pants than the ones that fall down with every step.
I would have not taken Mitchell and Mom's little joke of "losing me" so personally.
I would have told Mom to fuck herself when she said ''Oh, these will fit. Trust me."
I would have gotten that kick ass pinstriped bra.
I wouldn't have eaten at the Chinese restaurant.
I (probably) wouldn't have told Zach about my social anxiety.
I would gave told Mitchell and Mom to let me go into Grammy's house by myself for a few minutes.
I would have told the grandmother in Wal Mart not to yell at her grandchild for talking so much because she would miss it when he stopped talking once he got to be my age.
I wouldn't have brought up dad while we were driving.
I wouldn't have seen my mother's face fall when I did.
I wouldn't have burned myself on my cigarette.
I would have not been obnoxious to Zach when he was talking about the homicide near Longwood.
I wouldn't have asked my mother when she lost her virginity. (she was 15. 15!)
I would have tried to calm down in the middle of Wal Mart even though I practically had a panic attack.
I would have tried to be back home before Leviticus got here, even though I had no idea he was coming.
I wouldn't have told Mitchell that I hate mom. I want to have that information to myself.

dear god I'm lazy

Uhh hi.
So I haven't posted in...well, a while.
Not much has happened, and I'm ok with that.
I mean, unless you count the whole thing with court and my conselour.... but that's for later.
Zach's back at college, but I should be able to go see him in 2 weeks assuming mom doesn't throw a hissy fit and say she won't drive me.

So I'm currently looking at my fucking disgusting room, willing it to clean itself. It's almost worse than before, and that's saying something.
I think... I will clean tonight and then shower, and then try to be asleep by the time mom leaves for work. Probably wishful thinking, but I can try.

My court appointed counselor told my mom that I cut myself. It's pretty difficult to look her in the eye right now. My mom, I mean. My counselor's a bitch who i wish would just leave me the fuck alone and let me fix myself on my own.
But no. She has this whole plan of things she wants me to work on. Including, but not limited to, spending more time with my parents.
Why.
Just.
Fucking.
Why.
I don't really like my parents.
It's not even the typical teenage thing of "BAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ME IMA GO CUT MY HAIR DIAGONAL ACROSS MY FACE AND SEE IF THEY NOTICE ME THEN"
It's more of I see them as equals.
But I do sort of have this anger and disappointment of the whole not taking care of me and actually raising me instead of getting high/ drunk thing.
But I don't actively hate them. In fact, it would work well if we could just stay out of each others' way.
But nooooooo.
Sharon has all of these big ideas about fixing our family dynamic.
Not possible.
Not even plausible.
Stupid cunt.
You wonder why the suicide rate among teens is so high?
It's because you mess with them so fucking much and they get tired of it.
You can only bend wire so much before it snaps.
God I dislike that woman.