yadda-yadda

well.
im sitting here with leeroy playing strong bad beside me, my Edward poster staring at me, and papers making sounds everytime I lean back.
you know, I know my attyitude has cg=hanged. all the people i have told to fuck off, i've been talking to again which im afaraid may be givng them false hope.
since i know one of them is reading this, i feel as though i should say this nicely.
nothing has really changed.
i simply have good days sometimes hwere i dont really care about people annoying me.
and umm...
the thing where you said soemthing about my brother in gym class?
yah.
dont.
if i lie, and you know it, i assume you know it and expaect you to just keep going with it.
i have to do that with a lot of my " friends" now. i'll tell them how my weekend was in general but change the details to make them less....incriminating.
so yah.
now that that's cleared up, im gonna go play with my hair I think. maybe some braids or beads.
hope everyone's life is going better than mine.
peace

ugh.

he was denied bond until the trial on January 9th.
fuck.

HE- FUCKING -LLO

well hot flocking damn!
haven't updated here in a while!
basically---
C went to jail for 5 days
M is currently in jail for threatening S.S. supposedly even though i dont think he did it
when they came to take M's compy away for inspection they saw the house and didnt like it so they called DSS whjo is maing us clean like mofos
OR----
kailtyn sperad it around that my house is gross so the school board got ahold of it and they reported us. which we actually have evidence of from our informants and the fact that when our sheriff came for the compy she started taking pics of the house and saying our house wasnt fit for epople.
hell yes it is. suck my cock.
so he's in jail.
grandma had a stroke.
dad's goign to stay with gramps and tina for a few days.
he's gonna visit grandma in mayr washington hospital.
my hair has pink streaks in it.
i miss my brother.
my parents want me to do homeschool.
and i think i might for next semester just to see if i liek it.
cuz then i ciuld go see Sara in PA again.
oh.
i went o her house.
for a weekend.
it was fun, made soem friends... had a flour fight... went corning for cars and her dog got hit.
watched them play twister.
"if you're not wearing underwear, left foot red"
rode up with Penza his mom, candace and his moms boyfriend.
they dropped us in breezewood where Sara's dad picked us up.
the frist night no one was thwere.
then the next day was her party.

i think i remember more but im tired.
gnight.

wtf

i know life isnt always fair, but why the fuck do we always get the brunt of it?
I was born to two emotionally immature parents, both manic depressive, both with addictive personalities.My mother is an alcoholic with no sense of mothering a girl.
my father is simply depressive and decides to take it out on others randomly.
plus, i have a huge headache and now I'M depressed.
god this sucks.

good mood :) it was a good day

here again.
dad came home yesterday. he and mom picked me up from school during 4th period.
we went to front royal to get dad's Prozac prescription filled, and he cried pretty much the whole time. which is completely understandable, i mean i would have been more concerned if he hadnt been crying or talking non stop like he was.
so last night me mitchell leeroy corbin and dad sat in mitchells room talking and having a good time untillike 2 in the morning when i had to go to sleep for school in 4 hours.
so skip ahead to 4th period today when i read a poem i had written about him coming home.
ms. gallo passed out the new issues of Teen Ink, i sit right next to her btw, she recommended a story on page 30...we ended up having a whole long discussion of our lives.
it was actually rather therapuetic.
so now im home, i made microwave cookies.
they turned out to be like one huge cookie on the plate. dont taste too bad though.
so now ima go either make food or just sit here and keep talkign to leeroy about harry potter.
peace

yo

haven't had a new post for a while.
ima skip all the bullshit and just go to what happened today.
came home.
made soemthing to eat.
git in the shower.
answered an IM from leeroy i got while in said shower
tried to call up to dad to see if he could give leeroy a ride here
got mitchell to jump over the board dad had put up at the bottom of the steps to keep the animals out to talk to him and see if he could pick leeroy up
talked to jes

heard mitchell yelling at dad
went upstairs to investigate
found dad foaming at the mouth and barely conscious
held him up while mitchell interrogated him about what drugs he had taken
saw the suicide note he had written on his t.v. screen
held him up while he puked
sat in my room while the cops were here
watched my father who had obviously over dosed get wheeled out of our house in this chair he was strapped into and actually made eye contact with him but he wasnt aware of his surroundings and couldnt talk for anything but a mumble
found dad's car crashed into a stump with the keys locked inside to keep us form saving him
me leroy mitchell mom ginger and roger all went to fauquier hospital where he asked how my day was.
sat outside by the truck for the rest of the night writing poetry and having a sing a long to keep my mind off of it with mitchell nd leeroy
went in to see him right bfore we left and he seemed a little more coherent.
saw that he had written DNR (do not resucitate) on his palm
came home and wrote this.

there are more details but it's really hard to write everything.
i just hope that none of you ever have to go through what i am.
it's dreadful.

so the truth comes out

sarah, this is going to suck really bad. i can pretty much promise you. i dont think that being friends is going to work for either of us. no offence, but there is no way that it could possibly go well. all you do is bring me down, and im already kind of low. so its not like your optimistic views on life are going to make me feel better about anything. all i do is try to ignore the stuff you say that bothers me, and thats pretty much it. i dont exactly feel great about saying all this, but it's time for me to think about whats in my best interest. i gave up on you changing anything, so this is about it. i dont like your drugs. i dont like your negativity. i dont like your attitude towards everything that i believe or say. you think im immature and acting like a little kid because im not like you? you're wrong. and your little "when you get into college your going to be so not prepared," because i dont do drugs and screw up my life like you do? whatever. your the one whos not going to be prepared. have fun frying your brain cells, but im not going to be your guniea pig for life destruction. you're pretty much your own science project. im not your friend. i never really was. because for some reason your uncapable of that. what is so great about your life that you try to persuade me to be like you for? your friends? like kaitlyn faulkner? the girl who changed herself into a self mutilating freak who toasts every bit of memory left in her? or leeroy. the guy who doesnt give a damn. or maybe logan? the guy who thinks he's cool because he can smoke. woop de fucking doo. im not saying this to make you feel bad, im saying this so you get the picture. i used to think you were too good for them, but now i see that your worse than them. because your smart. and you can be independent. yet you dont. ignorance cant possibly be your excuse, and thats the only one that works in my book. if you ever really need me, ill be here. but this entire time that i was here for you, its not like i did any good. your not really losing anything sarah. just remember that im not really a big part of your life. im disposable and i dont give a shit.


i replied to you, and i didnt put up a fight. it's not worth it anymore.
even if i told you what i wanted to tell you, you wouldnt listen.
that whenever i talk to you, my beliefs dont seem to matter.
you accuse me of the same thing. I have no fuckin idea how you could think that.

But i cant say things liek that. because then i'd get accused of soemthing else, liek being a bitch or a closed-minded asshole.
I could fight back and defend myself, but soemtimes i dont think im worth defending.
And now if you're reading this, you are most likely rolling your eyes at my drama like i know you do behind my back.

i know i say i pride my self on not being a girly bitch. And thats what i am when i fight back at you.
So this thing you want, the not being friends anymore?
that works for me.

you say you were never my friend? well, all those times i helped you with your problems, and you helped me with mine beg to differ.

I sit here, crying becasue our friendship is over, and when i think about it, it doesnt matter.
When i dream about my future, i now realize i never thought of you being one of the people i kept in contact with.
maybe that was a sign.
Still, this email surprises me slightly. When we were talking about this, you didnt seem to be so bitter. But i guess everyone has their secrets.

Alright. if we're gonna be honest, i guess i should join in.
you scare me just as much as your dad does.
and that's a lot. You remind me a lot of him.

hmm.. what else...
I also agree with your parents soemtimes.
Liek with the whole " it's just the human body thing"
yah. i belive in that.
you dont have to be so grossed out by it if you just accept it.
and the masturbation thing.
it IS healthy and it IS normal.
dont try to tell me it's not normal just because you dont do it.


you seem to think you made a lot of sacrifices for our friendship. at least, thats what it sounds like. and thinking about it, both of us did.
you put up with my negativity, and i put up with your close-mindedness.

While i will miss being able to talk to you, i dont think i'll miss this thing we had.
i'm not sure how we lasted this friggin long.

this doesnt really surprise me very much. When i saw you this weekend, i was wondering in passing when soemthing like this, you getting tired of me, would happen.
i never tried to make you become someone liek me.
you're twisting what happened to fit your argument.
i told you not to knock it till you tried it.
you said that if you were around it, you would do it.
i said that if you ever came over and didnt want to do anything i wouldnt make you or even suggest it.
how is that trying to make you do soemthing?

You want to believe i'm the scum of the earth?
that's fine by me hon.
I'm sure you're not the only one.
in the meantime, i will continue tryign to figure out who i am.
i suggest you do the same, because you sound just as confused as i am, if not more.

oh, and for the record, i really dont give a damn how it works in "your book"

So, this is goodbye. because im not allowing this to happen again( this is what, the third time?).
ending a friendship takes a lot out of a person....

**************************************

in other news.
i still havent done my summer work. school starts monday.
i have mice in my room. with all these fuckin cats...
im gonna go delete my myspace.
i'll tell derrick to talk to me through gmail.
ima try to sleep soon. gnight.
love ,
Sarah