I have no clue if I spelled that properly. I assume I didn't. I always hated Pinocchio, anyway. It was creepy and it scared me a small child. Anyway.
Against my earlier predictions, I have survived. Melodrama-ain't it great?
Then things with Sam and Chris...I don't care anymore. Well, that's untrue. It's more than I *can't* care anymore. I remembered that giving a fuck kills me. It's still hard for me to deal with him, as a friend. Because who the fuck does things like that? Not someone I would call my big brother. My official stand on the matter as a whole is that while he can go fuck himself, if he was in the hospital, I'd visit him. Moving on.
School's almost out. Tomorrow I'm going to Gettysburg ("I went to Gettysburg once!"-enter the neverending story of how my mother took an audio tape-guided tour of Gettysburg once with her parents, presumably right after the fighting was done.)on an AP field trip, which should be...interesting to say the least. I'll be stuck with Adam the entire the time, which isn't as bad as I make it out to be. He's just...high strung. That's a good description of Adam.
Did pottery in Art class. I have a nice little collection of...things now. Like a Pokeball, and weird elephant with "Be Fearless- You have no other choice" written on the back, a bowl that's supposed to look like a catfish emerging from water but it's more horrifying than anything, a medallion, and an attempt at a hinged DS which didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped, but not terrible. I started glazing the elephant today, and it's rose and turquoise. Anyway.
My computer. Is beast. The only non-OP thing is my lack of hard drive space, because I never got my terrabyte put in. But I have a 23 inch monitor, the Black Widow Ultimate Keyboard (backlit ftw), and the Naga Molten Gaming Mouse (17 buttons ftw).
Cutting this short. Emeral's here, and we're broing it out. Update later.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Well then.
So, I'm single.
And I'll look back on this in 5, 10, however many years, and laugh because I was a dumb little girl who though a teenage romance would last. Whatever. But seriously, who the fuck tells their girlfriend that he's "not sure about my feelings" on their two year anniversary? I'm not ever sure if that's the worst of it. He thought it was our 1 year anniversary, and he asked me if I was going to get my learner's soon.
PROTIP: I've had my learner's since September of last year.
And before I get ahead of myself, yes, I am fully aware that he was busy with other things. Family, school, work, yes, they all precedence over me, and for good reason. But seriously?
That was like the day that I thought I had lost my grandmother's ring, and I was freaking out during first period, and this kid asks me "Will your grandmother be mad?"
...
"She's dead."
Shit, you should have seen the look on his face.
Ok, maybe it's not exactly like that, but I wanted to tell that story. I later found the ring, in my 4th period gym class. It fell onto the floor in the middle of those fucking exercises. To this day I have no idea how it got there, but I don't really care. I found it, I have it, and I'm happy.
Anyway.
Zach.
Yes.
After he told me that I just...cried. What the fuck was I supposed to say? There I'd been that previous week, planning a romantic anniversary, being excited since we hadn't been able to see each other on our 1st anniversary, and little do I know that he was trying to figure out how to tell me he didn't know if he loved me or not.
I think the bitch of it was that for the following two days, all I thought about was how we would fix it and move on. Idealistic, moi?
Then he started talking to me on Monday, on gmail. I was curt, I'll admit, because I'd realized I'd shown too much emotion on Saturday for my safety as a human being. No one should see when they've hurt you, unless you know it will hurt them back. And thinking on it now, I don't know if my pain ever bothered him at all. Sure, he held me and gave me the generic "I'm sorry I made you cry." or "I'm sorry I hurt you." But it was all very...robotic.
Fuck.
I think for our entire relationship he was robotic, I just didn't let myself notice.
I hate myself for being such a little girl.
And now I've come to "If he doesn't love me, who the fuck will?"
And honestly, who could? Obviously not him, and my prediction is no one else for a very long time.
And I'll look back on this in 5, 10, however many years, and laugh because I was a dumb little girl who though a teenage romance would last. Whatever. But seriously, who the fuck tells their girlfriend that he's "not sure about my feelings" on their two year anniversary? I'm not ever sure if that's the worst of it. He thought it was our 1 year anniversary, and he asked me if I was going to get my learner's soon.
PROTIP: I've had my learner's since September of last year.
And before I get ahead of myself, yes, I am fully aware that he was busy with other things. Family, school, work, yes, they all precedence over me, and for good reason. But seriously?
That was like the day that I thought I had lost my grandmother's ring, and I was freaking out during first period, and this kid asks me "Will your grandmother be mad?"
...
"She's dead."
Shit, you should have seen the look on his face.
Ok, maybe it's not exactly like that, but I wanted to tell that story. I later found the ring, in my 4th period gym class. It fell onto the floor in the middle of those fucking exercises. To this day I have no idea how it got there, but I don't really care. I found it, I have it, and I'm happy.
Anyway.
Zach.
Yes.
After he told me that I just...cried. What the fuck was I supposed to say? There I'd been that previous week, planning a romantic anniversary, being excited since we hadn't been able to see each other on our 1st anniversary, and little do I know that he was trying to figure out how to tell me he didn't know if he loved me or not.
I think the bitch of it was that for the following two days, all I thought about was how we would fix it and move on. Idealistic, moi?
Then he started talking to me on Monday, on gmail. I was curt, I'll admit, because I'd realized I'd shown too much emotion on Saturday for my safety as a human being. No one should see when they've hurt you, unless you know it will hurt them back. And thinking on it now, I don't know if my pain ever bothered him at all. Sure, he held me and gave me the generic "I'm sorry I made you cry." or "I'm sorry I hurt you." But it was all very...robotic.
Fuck.
I think for our entire relationship he was robotic, I just didn't let myself notice.
I hate myself for being such a little girl.
And now I've come to "If he doesn't love me, who the fuck will?"
And honestly, who could? Obviously not him, and my prediction is no one else for a very long time.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Subject has returned to the building
So I have Mitchell's laptop in my room right now. amazingly enough, not a whole lot has happened in the past 2 months. I got the rules for my foster care last wednesday which are completely asinine. here, look for yourself.
1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.
2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.
3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.
4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.
5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.
6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.
7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.
1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.
2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.
3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.
4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.
5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.
6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.
7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.
1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.
2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.
3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.
4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.
5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.
6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.
7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.
1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.
2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.
3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.
4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.
5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.
6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.
7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.
1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.
2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.
3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.
4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.
5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.
6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.
7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.
1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.
2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.
3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.
4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.
5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.
6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.
7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.
yeah.
so suddenly I dont feel like typing anything else because the fan on this thing s making a buzzing sound that makes me want to kill myself and the keyboard sucks.
peace.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Continued. Scroll down one before you read this.
Subject is experiencing recurring thoughts of suicide, though no formal plans have been made. She has noted a twinge in her wrists that she claims to be comparable to an itch to drag a razor blade across them. This has been experienced before. Subject feels as though he could make it all better, though part of her mind knows it's not true. The other part feels as though it is worth a try. Subject would like to scratch all of her skin off and laugh while she is doing it. Subject just started crying again. She would like the voices in her head to stop before she completes her ride on the road to insanity. Subject would like to give everyone a reason to stop saying "She's taking it well". Subject would like to cause everybody the pain she feels. Especially the people she loves. Subject is crying once again. Subject would like to start cutting on her hands again so people can see it. Not for attention, but just so they stop talking to her. She feels a pull towards the idea of becoming a recluse and refusing to come out of her room. She would like to scream and cry and punch and kick and have him hold her and make sure she knows he will not let her go. Subject would like to think she would believe him when he said that.
Subject knows she would not.
Subject would like to contact his friend herself to let him know she is not imaginary as he believes her to be.
Subject feels that if she were thin and attractive she would have already met his friends.
Subject feels a mischievous sort of happiness at the thought of getting a ride to his house and introducing herself to his parents.
Subject feels a strange alienation from her friends and family. She would like to run into her aunt and uncle's room, jump on there bed and explain all of the ways she would like to murder them. She would like to be committed.
Subject knows she would not.
Subject would like to contact his friend herself to let him know she is not imaginary as he believes her to be.
Subject feels that if she were thin and attractive she would have already met his friends.
Subject feels a mischievous sort of happiness at the thought of getting a ride to his house and introducing herself to his parents.
Subject feels a strange alienation from her friends and family. She would like to run into her aunt and uncle's room, jump on there bed and explain all of the ways she would like to murder them. She would like to be committed.
god fuck shit cunt dammit.
So I think I may have begun my breakdown.
The psychologist part of me is observing the rest of as I slowly degenerate into the most primitive of the human emotions:
Anger
Grief
Happiness (however brief my current experiences of it are)
Subject has spent the past 4 hours breaking into seemingly random fits of tears and aggression. As she has no one to physically take out her anger on, it reverts to her in the form of cutting and chewing on her lips. Subject did not eat with the rest of the family until her fit was over, and even then just had two pieces of buttered bread and sat down to watch I Love Lucy.
Subject has been exceedingly rude to her significant other, accusing him of not listening to her, not caring, and generally making him feel like crap. The words "I am sorry I failed you love" were sent through text to her, at which she began to sob uncontrollably. Subject plans on not eating for a while except for the family meals that will be a necessity as to not get in trouble or have any suspicion cast upon her. Subject has described feelings of having her world crashing down upon her. She cannot go 10 minutes without crying. She feels her only retreat without Zach there to text throughout the day is sleep. Subject is distrustful of everybody, including her boyfriend. Subject feels the need to curl up into a ball and let her situation float over her. Subject wishes he were here to hold her as she curls into a ball. Subject wishes she wasn't so "damned reliant" on him. She is beginning to hate his parents for being so suspicious of him that he won't come see her on his weekend off.
Subject will finish this later.
The psychologist part of me is observing the rest of as I slowly degenerate into the most primitive of the human emotions:
Anger
Grief
Happiness (however brief my current experiences of it are)
Subject has spent the past 4 hours breaking into seemingly random fits of tears and aggression. As she has no one to physically take out her anger on, it reverts to her in the form of cutting and chewing on her lips. Subject did not eat with the rest of the family until her fit was over, and even then just had two pieces of buttered bread and sat down to watch I Love Lucy.
Subject has been exceedingly rude to her significant other, accusing him of not listening to her, not caring, and generally making him feel like crap. The words "I am sorry I failed you love" were sent through text to her, at which she began to sob uncontrollably. Subject plans on not eating for a while except for the family meals that will be a necessity as to not get in trouble or have any suspicion cast upon her. Subject has described feelings of having her world crashing down upon her. She cannot go 10 minutes without crying. She feels her only retreat without Zach there to text throughout the day is sleep. Subject is distrustful of everybody, including her boyfriend. Subject feels the need to curl up into a ball and let her situation float over her. Subject wishes he were here to hold her as she curls into a ball. Subject wishes she wasn't so "damned reliant" on him. She is beginning to hate his parents for being so suspicious of him that he won't come see her on his weekend off.
Subject will finish this later.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Kinda cut the last one short...
So I was completely serious when I said mom had od'd.
I had gone into the bathroom because mom's bath was taking entirely too long. So I opened the shower door and found her with her face partially underwater. After several unsuccessful attempts to make her sit up I called Mitchell in who realized she wasn't just drunk as I had suspected.
She said she took 30 trazadone (sleeping pills hat she has a prescription for). Or rather, mumbled that she had. She couldn't really talk and I don't think she knew we were there. So I called Roger and then dad called 911 who took a ridiculously long time to get her ("You need to mark your driveway better" yeah, we'll get right on that. Now could you go get my practically comatose mother to the god damned hospital please?)
So we went to the hospital after the ambulance left. Basically we waited there for a few hours while they ran tests on her and asked us dumb fucking questions ("How do you know she drinks if you don't know where she keeps it?"- some dumb ass EMT that I wanted to punch in the idiot mouth if he hadn't been 2 feet taller than me) Then Ginger and Roger showed up and sat with us in the waiting room. They also invited their minister to come sit with us which made me want to go up to the maternity ward and kick every bassinet and stomp on the enclosed babies after I heard what she had to say ("We pray to you, great Lord, that everything will work out. While we may not understand your plan all the time, we trust in you to show us the way"- paraphrased, but seriously? No, fuck you. This great fucking god of yours has let both of my parents attempt suicide before I can even legally drive. So fuck you, fuck your sermon, and fuck your great fucking plan for us all because I want no part of it.)
So then they admitted her and dad spent the night at the hospital while Ginger and roger took us home because Bubbles and his friend Jimmy were already there waiting for us.
She's in ICU, sedated so she can get through the DT's. Her blood alcohol level was 2.61 when she was brought in, so if she was n0rmal, she would have been fucked up even without the trazadone.
And we're losing our house. That's what started the whole thing. I found he letter in the mail, showed it to Mitchell who went out and asked mom what the fuck it was about. Apparently she hasn't paid the mortgage in 9 months. She told him to kill her so we could use the insurance to buy the house back. He declined her offer, so she took it upon herself.
I'm constantly on the verge of breaking down, but for some reason I won't let myself. I'm not sure what will happen when I do. I told Zach I would try to warn him before I did so he could take cover. He's being tremendously supportive and I appreciate it. I haven't really cried since I found her and realized what was going on.
Maybe it hasn't hit me yet? I dunno. It will in its' own time and I'm not sure if I'll be ready when it does.
I had gone into the bathroom because mom's bath was taking entirely too long. So I opened the shower door and found her with her face partially underwater. After several unsuccessful attempts to make her sit up I called Mitchell in who realized she wasn't just drunk as I had suspected.
She said she took 30 trazadone (sleeping pills hat she has a prescription for). Or rather, mumbled that she had. She couldn't really talk and I don't think she knew we were there. So I called Roger and then dad called 911 who took a ridiculously long time to get her ("You need to mark your driveway better" yeah, we'll get right on that. Now could you go get my practically comatose mother to the god damned hospital please?)
So we went to the hospital after the ambulance left. Basically we waited there for a few hours while they ran tests on her and asked us dumb fucking questions ("How do you know she drinks if you don't know where she keeps it?"- some dumb ass EMT that I wanted to punch in the idiot mouth if he hadn't been 2 feet taller than me) Then Ginger and Roger showed up and sat with us in the waiting room. They also invited their minister to come sit with us which made me want to go up to the maternity ward and kick every bassinet and stomp on the enclosed babies after I heard what she had to say ("We pray to you, great Lord, that everything will work out. While we may not understand your plan all the time, we trust in you to show us the way"- paraphrased, but seriously? No, fuck you. This great fucking god of yours has let both of my parents attempt suicide before I can even legally drive. So fuck you, fuck your sermon, and fuck your great fucking plan for us all because I want no part of it.)
So then they admitted her and dad spent the night at the hospital while Ginger and roger took us home because Bubbles and his friend Jimmy were already there waiting for us.
She's in ICU, sedated so she can get through the DT's. Her blood alcohol level was 2.61 when she was brought in, so if she was n0rmal, she would have been fucked up even without the trazadone.
And we're losing our house. That's what started the whole thing. I found he letter in the mail, showed it to Mitchell who went out and asked mom what the fuck it was about. Apparently she hasn't paid the mortgage in 9 months. She told him to kill her so we could use the insurance to buy the house back. He declined her offer, so she took it upon herself.
I'm constantly on the verge of breaking down, but for some reason I won't let myself. I'm not sure what will happen when I do. I told Zach I would try to warn him before I did so he could take cover. He's being tremendously supportive and I appreciate it. I haven't really cried since I found her and realized what was going on.
Maybe it hasn't hit me yet? I dunno. It will in its' own time and I'm not sure if I'll be ready when it does.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
