Back again.

So. Today is memorial day, so we had a three day weekend.
suicide is painless just came on my itunes. brb.
sorry. I can't pass up that song.
anyway.
long weekend.
I've been "stalking" the kid that lives across from me for a while now. I knew we were similar in some ways because we have Art together first period, but I've always been too tired or awkward to go talk to them...but whatever. we've hung out every day this weekend, because he sort of just shows up, but it's cool. He's a pretty good kid, and I think we'll get along well this summer.
I can't wait for summer. I really can't. I just want to relax for a while, and just chill out. 6 more days of school, including finals and such. but that's fine. I have summer to look forward to. I don't care. Been hanging out with Leviticus a lot, which is pretty cool. He has his own little apartment over a barn type thing on his dad's property which is really neat.
Did shit with Lilphoot, Emeral, Leviticus and SamWow this weekend. It was pretty great.
Whatever. I'm just going to write in my journal because I don't trust this anymore. Not that I should have in the first place, but people can be exceedingly rude.
Future Me, check the burlap-ish florally journal for details. The one from Kim.

Reh?

Figured I should finish/update again. Not sure why. I just went through the last 4 pages of my posts, and was kind of astounded at how static I am. But I'm not too concerned.
Dugald died.
Now, my usual stance on death is similar to the Tralfamadorians'(sp.):"So it goes". But...I knew Dugald since I could walk. He was in my brother's grade, a peer group whom I've always seemed to be around. He rode my mother's bus, which meant I got to see what he was really like: when there was no one at the bus stop for a small child, he'd walk them up to their house to make sure they were safe. He never had anything bad to say about anyone, and that's a novelty in today's society. So, my official stance of the death of Dugald Day: We'll miss you, bro. And if there's a heaven, I hope same day we can meet up and blaze.
Moving on.
Since I sort of receded from everyone else, Lilphoot was really the only person I hung out with. This is still mostly true, but other people aren't terrible. She and I have spent the last several weekends at iHop, making things out of duct tape. A lot (a lot.) of the people there have told us to go into business for ourselves, which doesn't sound like too bad of an idea, but neither of us really know where to start. We're doing a baby shower in August, and probably a wedding in 2013. I guess...we're excited? No. I mean...we're...glad? that people enjoy what we do...but to us, it's just...what we do. Hopefully soon(after exams and such) I'll be putting together out portfolio, because everyone always asks us what we can do. Well, the unofficial list (unofficial because it's all from my crappy memory) is many many flowers, 2 corsages(so far), a laptop case, a DSiXL case, multiple bows, a tuxedo, a top hat, and a bowtie for Karl, a choker, and a little car made of duct tape and straws (with moving wheels) for one of the waitress' sons, who seemed to absolutely love it. We don't really know what we're capable of until we do it, so the portfolio won't really be a good benchmark of our capability...but it's a start.
I made Sam's corsage for Prom. I'm taking Sam to prom;how about we start there? I asked her a while back...like, last semester. And she's really excited. So am I, actually. While I was with Zach, I didn't want to go because I was so hopelessly in love that I couldn't imagine going with someone other than him. But now... fuck it. I want to go and have fun, and maybe be (le gasp!) a normal teenager for a night. Well...as normal as I can be when I'm taking a girl, and wearing a suit. I plan on looking dashing. Zach didn't want me to dress like a guy. Actually, I'm not sure if that's true. He actually had a problem because I called it a tux instead of a suit. He didn't want me to wear a tux; he was ok with a suit. But I'm wearing a suit, because a. tuxes are expensive, and b. I look dashing anyway.
Things have changed since things with Zach. 2/3rds of the people I've kissed are girls. And you know something? I am terribly ok with that. I'm not...trying to get back at him or anything. Well, I'm actually not entirely sure of that. I could be, and for that, I apologize to my future self for being so petty. But I'm trying to make the best of things right now, and trying to be levelheaded and things and stuff...
My ears are two different sizes. One's a 2, because I recently gauged up, and the other is a 6, because it got infected, and then the earring I had in slipped out and it closed up to a 6 over night. It's still infected, and I don't really want to gauge two sizes in 2 weeks (especially after remembering what a bitch 6 to 4 was. yikes.), so it might just have to stay like that until after prom.
AP exams start this week. I'm taking 3 AP classes next year. I don't even know why. I plan on going to community college anyway.
Whatever.
I'm going to try to update more often...or something. Maybe.
I actually don't even know if anyone reads this anymore. But I'm ok with talking to an empty house. Sometimes you hear what you need to in the echoes.

Thanks, Gippeto!

I have no clue if I spelled that properly. I assume I didn't. I always hated Pinocchio, anyway. It was creepy and it scared me a small child. Anyway.
Against my earlier predictions, I have survived. Melodrama-ain't it great?
Then things with Sam and Chris...I don't care anymore. Well, that's untrue. It's more than I *can't* care anymore. I remembered that giving a fuck kills me. It's still hard for me to deal with him, as a friend. Because who the fuck does things like that? Not someone I would call my big brother. My official stand on the matter as a whole is that while he can go fuck himself, if he was in the hospital, I'd visit him. Moving on.
School's almost out. Tomorrow I'm going to Gettysburg ("I went to Gettysburg once!"-enter the neverending story of how my mother took an audio tape-guided tour of Gettysburg once with her parents, presumably right after the fighting was done.)on an AP field trip, which should be...interesting to say the least. I'll be stuck with Adam the entire the time, which isn't as bad as I make it out to be. He's just...high strung. That's a good description of Adam.
Did pottery in Art class. I have a nice little collection of...things now. Like a Pokeball, and weird elephant with "Be Fearless- You have no other choice" written on the back, a bowl that's supposed to look like a catfish emerging from water but it's more horrifying than anything, a medallion, and an attempt at a hinged DS which didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped, but not terrible. I started glazing the elephant today, and it's rose and turquoise. Anyway.
My computer. Is beast. The only non-OP thing is my lack of hard drive space, because I never got my terrabyte put in. But I have a 23 inch monitor, the Black Widow Ultimate Keyboard (backlit ftw), and the Naga Molten Gaming Mouse (17 buttons ftw).

Cutting this short. Emeral's here, and we're broing it out. Update later.

Well then.

So, I'm single.
And I'll look back on this in 5, 10, however many years, and laugh because I was a dumb little girl who though a teenage romance would last. Whatever. But seriously, who the fuck tells their girlfriend that he's "not sure about my feelings" on their two year anniversary? I'm not ever sure if that's the worst of it. He thought it was our 1 year anniversary, and he asked me if I was going to get my learner's soon.
PROTIP: I've had my learner's since September of last year.

And before I get ahead of myself, yes, I am fully aware that he was busy with other things. Family, school, work, yes, they all precedence over me, and for good reason. But seriously?
That was like the day that I thought I had lost my grandmother's ring, and I was freaking out during first period, and this kid asks me "Will your grandmother be mad?"
...
"She's dead."
Shit, you should have seen the look on his face.
Ok, maybe it's not exactly like that, but I wanted to tell that story. I later found the ring, in my 4th period gym class. It fell onto the floor in the middle of those fucking exercises. To this day I have no idea how it got there, but I don't really care. I found it, I have it, and I'm happy.
Anyway.
Zach.
Yes.
After he told me that I just...cried. What the fuck was I supposed to say? There I'd been that previous week, planning a romantic anniversary, being excited since we hadn't been able to see each other on our 1st anniversary, and little do I know that he was trying to figure out how to tell me he didn't know if he loved me or not.
I think the bitch of it was that for the following two days, all I thought about was how we would fix it and move on. Idealistic, moi?
Then he started talking to me on Monday, on gmail. I was curt, I'll admit, because I'd realized I'd shown too much emotion on Saturday for my safety as a human being. No one should see when they've hurt you, unless you know it will hurt them back. And thinking on it now, I don't know if my pain ever bothered him at all. Sure, he held me and gave me the generic "I'm sorry I made you cry." or "I'm sorry I hurt you." But it was all very...robotic.
Fuck.
I think for our entire relationship he was robotic, I just didn't let myself notice.
I hate myself for being such a little girl.
And now I've come to "If he doesn't love me, who the fuck will?"
And honestly, who could? Obviously not him, and my prediction is no one else for a very long time.

Backdactyl.

.

Subject has returned to the building

So I have Mitchell's laptop in my room right now. amazingly enough, not a whole lot has happened in the past 2 months. I got the rules for my foster care last wednesday which are completely asinine. here, look for yourself.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

yeah.

so suddenly I dont feel like typing anything else because the fan on this thing s making a buzzing sound that makes me want to kill myself and the keyboard sucks.

peace.

Continued. Scroll down one before you read this.

Subject is experiencing recurring thoughts of suicide, though no formal plans have been made. She has noted a twinge in her wrists that she claims to be comparable to an itch to drag a razor blade across them. This has been experienced before. Subject feels as though he could make it all better, though part of her mind knows it's not true. The other part feels as though it is worth a try. Subject would like to scratch all of her skin off and laugh while she is doing it. Subject just started crying again. She would like the voices in her head to stop before she completes her ride on the road to insanity. Subject would like to give everyone a reason to stop saying "She's taking it well". Subject would like to cause everybody the pain she feels. Especially the people she loves. Subject is crying once again. Subject would like to start cutting on her hands again so people can see it. Not for attention, but just so they stop talking to her. She feels a pull towards the idea of becoming a recluse and refusing to come out of her room. She would like to scream and cry and punch and kick and have him hold her and make sure she knows he will not let her go. Subject would like to think she would believe him when he said that.
Subject knows she would not.
Subject would like to contact his friend herself to let him know she is not imaginary as he believes her to be.
Subject feels that if she were thin and attractive she would have already met his friends.
Subject feels a mischievous sort of happiness at the thought of getting a ride to his house and introducing herself to his parents.
Subject feels a strange alienation from her friends and family. She would like to run into her aunt and uncle's room, jump on there bed and explain all of the ways she would like to murder them. She would like to be committed.