Back again.

So. Today is memorial day, so we had a three day weekend.
suicide is painless just came on my itunes. brb.
sorry. I can't pass up that song.
anyway.
long weekend.
I've been "stalking" the kid that lives across from me for a while now. I knew we were similar in some ways because we have Art together first period, but I've always been too tired or awkward to go talk to them...but whatever. we've hung out every day this weekend, because he sort of just shows up, but it's cool. He's a pretty good kid, and I think we'll get along well this summer.
I can't wait for summer. I really can't. I just want to relax for a while, and just chill out. 6 more days of school, including finals and such. but that's fine. I have summer to look forward to. I don't care. Been hanging out with Leviticus a lot, which is pretty cool. He has his own little apartment over a barn type thing on his dad's property which is really neat.
Did shit with Lilphoot, Emeral, Leviticus and SamWow this weekend. It was pretty great.
Whatever. I'm just going to write in my journal because I don't trust this anymore. Not that I should have in the first place, but people can be exceedingly rude.
Future Me, check the burlap-ish florally journal for details. The one from Kim.

Reh?

Figured I should finish/update again. Not sure why. I just went through the last 4 pages of my posts, and was kind of astounded at how static I am. But I'm not too concerned.
Dugald died.
Now, my usual stance on death is similar to the Tralfamadorians'(sp.):"So it goes". But...I knew Dugald since I could walk. He was in my brother's grade, a peer group whom I've always seemed to be around. He rode my mother's bus, which meant I got to see what he was really like: when there was no one at the bus stop for a small child, he'd walk them up to their house to make sure they were safe. He never had anything bad to say about anyone, and that's a novelty in today's society. So, my official stance of the death of Dugald Day: We'll miss you, bro. And if there's a heaven, I hope same day we can meet up and blaze.
Moving on.
Since I sort of receded from everyone else, Lilphoot was really the only person I hung out with. This is still mostly true, but other people aren't terrible. She and I have spent the last several weekends at iHop, making things out of duct tape. A lot (a lot.) of the people there have told us to go into business for ourselves, which doesn't sound like too bad of an idea, but neither of us really know where to start. We're doing a baby shower in August, and probably a wedding in 2013. I guess...we're excited? No. I mean...we're...glad? that people enjoy what we do...but to us, it's just...what we do. Hopefully soon(after exams and such) I'll be putting together out portfolio, because everyone always asks us what we can do. Well, the unofficial list (unofficial because it's all from my crappy memory) is many many flowers, 2 corsages(so far), a laptop case, a DSiXL case, multiple bows, a tuxedo, a top hat, and a bowtie for Karl, a choker, and a little car made of duct tape and straws (with moving wheels) for one of the waitress' sons, who seemed to absolutely love it. We don't really know what we're capable of until we do it, so the portfolio won't really be a good benchmark of our capability...but it's a start.
I made Sam's corsage for Prom. I'm taking Sam to prom;how about we start there? I asked her a while back...like, last semester. And she's really excited. So am I, actually. While I was with Zach, I didn't want to go because I was so hopelessly in love that I couldn't imagine going with someone other than him. But now... fuck it. I want to go and have fun, and maybe be (le gasp!) a normal teenager for a night. Well...as normal as I can be when I'm taking a girl, and wearing a suit. I plan on looking dashing. Zach didn't want me to dress like a guy. Actually, I'm not sure if that's true. He actually had a problem because I called it a tux instead of a suit. He didn't want me to wear a tux; he was ok with a suit. But I'm wearing a suit, because a. tuxes are expensive, and b. I look dashing anyway.
Things have changed since things with Zach. 2/3rds of the people I've kissed are girls. And you know something? I am terribly ok with that. I'm not...trying to get back at him or anything. Well, I'm actually not entirely sure of that. I could be, and for that, I apologize to my future self for being so petty. But I'm trying to make the best of things right now, and trying to be levelheaded and things and stuff...
My ears are two different sizes. One's a 2, because I recently gauged up, and the other is a 6, because it got infected, and then the earring I had in slipped out and it closed up to a 6 over night. It's still infected, and I don't really want to gauge two sizes in 2 weeks (especially after remembering what a bitch 6 to 4 was. yikes.), so it might just have to stay like that until after prom.
AP exams start this week. I'm taking 3 AP classes next year. I don't even know why. I plan on going to community college anyway.
Whatever.
I'm going to try to update more often...or something. Maybe.
I actually don't even know if anyone reads this anymore. But I'm ok with talking to an empty house. Sometimes you hear what you need to in the echoes.

Thanks, Gippeto!

I have no clue if I spelled that properly. I assume I didn't. I always hated Pinocchio, anyway. It was creepy and it scared me a small child. Anyway.
Against my earlier predictions, I have survived. Melodrama-ain't it great?
Then things with Sam and Chris...I don't care anymore. Well, that's untrue. It's more than I *can't* care anymore. I remembered that giving a fuck kills me. It's still hard for me to deal with him, as a friend. Because who the fuck does things like that? Not someone I would call my big brother. My official stand on the matter as a whole is that while he can go fuck himself, if he was in the hospital, I'd visit him. Moving on.
School's almost out. Tomorrow I'm going to Gettysburg ("I went to Gettysburg once!"-enter the neverending story of how my mother took an audio tape-guided tour of Gettysburg once with her parents, presumably right after the fighting was done.)on an AP field trip, which should be...interesting to say the least. I'll be stuck with Adam the entire the time, which isn't as bad as I make it out to be. He's just...high strung. That's a good description of Adam.
Did pottery in Art class. I have a nice little collection of...things now. Like a Pokeball, and weird elephant with "Be Fearless- You have no other choice" written on the back, a bowl that's supposed to look like a catfish emerging from water but it's more horrifying than anything, a medallion, and an attempt at a hinged DS which didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped, but not terrible. I started glazing the elephant today, and it's rose and turquoise. Anyway.
My computer. Is beast. The only non-OP thing is my lack of hard drive space, because I never got my terrabyte put in. But I have a 23 inch monitor, the Black Widow Ultimate Keyboard (backlit ftw), and the Naga Molten Gaming Mouse (17 buttons ftw).

Cutting this short. Emeral's here, and we're broing it out. Update later.

Well then.

So, I'm single.
And I'll look back on this in 5, 10, however many years, and laugh because I was a dumb little girl who though a teenage romance would last. Whatever. But seriously, who the fuck tells their girlfriend that he's "not sure about my feelings" on their two year anniversary? I'm not ever sure if that's the worst of it. He thought it was our 1 year anniversary, and he asked me if I was going to get my learner's soon.
PROTIP: I've had my learner's since September of last year.

And before I get ahead of myself, yes, I am fully aware that he was busy with other things. Family, school, work, yes, they all precedence over me, and for good reason. But seriously?
That was like the day that I thought I had lost my grandmother's ring, and I was freaking out during first period, and this kid asks me "Will your grandmother be mad?"
...
"She's dead."
Shit, you should have seen the look on his face.
Ok, maybe it's not exactly like that, but I wanted to tell that story. I later found the ring, in my 4th period gym class. It fell onto the floor in the middle of those fucking exercises. To this day I have no idea how it got there, but I don't really care. I found it, I have it, and I'm happy.
Anyway.
Zach.
Yes.
After he told me that I just...cried. What the fuck was I supposed to say? There I'd been that previous week, planning a romantic anniversary, being excited since we hadn't been able to see each other on our 1st anniversary, and little do I know that he was trying to figure out how to tell me he didn't know if he loved me or not.
I think the bitch of it was that for the following two days, all I thought about was how we would fix it and move on. Idealistic, moi?
Then he started talking to me on Monday, on gmail. I was curt, I'll admit, because I'd realized I'd shown too much emotion on Saturday for my safety as a human being. No one should see when they've hurt you, unless you know it will hurt them back. And thinking on it now, I don't know if my pain ever bothered him at all. Sure, he held me and gave me the generic "I'm sorry I made you cry." or "I'm sorry I hurt you." But it was all very...robotic.
Fuck.
I think for our entire relationship he was robotic, I just didn't let myself notice.
I hate myself for being such a little girl.
And now I've come to "If he doesn't love me, who the fuck will?"
And honestly, who could? Obviously not him, and my prediction is no one else for a very long time.