so the truth comes out

sarah, this is going to suck really bad. i can pretty much promise you. i dont think that being friends is going to work for either of us. no offence, but there is no way that it could possibly go well. all you do is bring me down, and im already kind of low. so its not like your optimistic views on life are going to make me feel better about anything. all i do is try to ignore the stuff you say that bothers me, and thats pretty much it. i dont exactly feel great about saying all this, but it's time for me to think about whats in my best interest. i gave up on you changing anything, so this is about it. i dont like your drugs. i dont like your negativity. i dont like your attitude towards everything that i believe or say. you think im immature and acting like a little kid because im not like you? you're wrong. and your little "when you get into college your going to be so not prepared," because i dont do drugs and screw up my life like you do? whatever. your the one whos not going to be prepared. have fun frying your brain cells, but im not going to be your guniea pig for life destruction. you're pretty much your own science project. im not your friend. i never really was. because for some reason your uncapable of that. what is so great about your life that you try to persuade me to be like you for? your friends? like kaitlyn faulkner? the girl who changed herself into a self mutilating freak who toasts every bit of memory left in her? or leeroy. the guy who doesnt give a damn. or maybe logan? the guy who thinks he's cool because he can smoke. woop de fucking doo. im not saying this to make you feel bad, im saying this so you get the picture. i used to think you were too good for them, but now i see that your worse than them. because your smart. and you can be independent. yet you dont. ignorance cant possibly be your excuse, and thats the only one that works in my book. if you ever really need me, ill be here. but this entire time that i was here for you, its not like i did any good. your not really losing anything sarah. just remember that im not really a big part of your life. im disposable and i dont give a shit.


i replied to you, and i didnt put up a fight. it's not worth it anymore.
even if i told you what i wanted to tell you, you wouldnt listen.
that whenever i talk to you, my beliefs dont seem to matter.
you accuse me of the same thing. I have no fuckin idea how you could think that.

But i cant say things liek that. because then i'd get accused of soemthing else, liek being a bitch or a closed-minded asshole.
I could fight back and defend myself, but soemtimes i dont think im worth defending.
And now if you're reading this, you are most likely rolling your eyes at my drama like i know you do behind my back.

i know i say i pride my self on not being a girly bitch. And thats what i am when i fight back at you.
So this thing you want, the not being friends anymore?
that works for me.

you say you were never my friend? well, all those times i helped you with your problems, and you helped me with mine beg to differ.

I sit here, crying becasue our friendship is over, and when i think about it, it doesnt matter.
When i dream about my future, i now realize i never thought of you being one of the people i kept in contact with.
maybe that was a sign.
Still, this email surprises me slightly. When we were talking about this, you didnt seem to be so bitter. But i guess everyone has their secrets.

Alright. if we're gonna be honest, i guess i should join in.
you scare me just as much as your dad does.
and that's a lot. You remind me a lot of him.

hmm.. what else...
I also agree with your parents soemtimes.
Liek with the whole " it's just the human body thing"
yah. i belive in that.
you dont have to be so grossed out by it if you just accept it.
and the masturbation thing.
it IS healthy and it IS normal.
dont try to tell me it's not normal just because you dont do it.


you seem to think you made a lot of sacrifices for our friendship. at least, thats what it sounds like. and thinking about it, both of us did.
you put up with my negativity, and i put up with your close-mindedness.

While i will miss being able to talk to you, i dont think i'll miss this thing we had.
i'm not sure how we lasted this friggin long.

this doesnt really surprise me very much. When i saw you this weekend, i was wondering in passing when soemthing like this, you getting tired of me, would happen.
i never tried to make you become someone liek me.
you're twisting what happened to fit your argument.
i told you not to knock it till you tried it.
you said that if you were around it, you would do it.
i said that if you ever came over and didnt want to do anything i wouldnt make you or even suggest it.
how is that trying to make you do soemthing?

You want to believe i'm the scum of the earth?
that's fine by me hon.
I'm sure you're not the only one.
in the meantime, i will continue tryign to figure out who i am.
i suggest you do the same, because you sound just as confused as i am, if not more.

oh, and for the record, i really dont give a damn how it works in "your book"

So, this is goodbye. because im not allowing this to happen again( this is what, the third time?).
ending a friendship takes a lot out of a person....

**************************************

in other news.
i still havent done my summer work. school starts monday.
i have mice in my room. with all these fuckin cats...
im gonna go delete my myspace.
i'll tell derrick to talk to me through gmail.
ima try to sleep soon. gnight.
love ,
Sarah

just another bored post

bored...tired...even though i woke up today around 5:30 p.m.
i finished kite runner...
today when i wake up later i'll do the assignment for it.
currently i'm watching these videos of college guys messing around in makeshift hot tubs.
which means three guys laying in tubs of water, pretending they're gay when it's obvious they aren't.
currently staring at the bottle of vodka i stole out from under mom's pillow.
she said she wouldnt drink anymore so i'm enforcing it.
i always do that when i find a bottle. steal it, and give it to mitchell or keep it.
it was kinda funny.
when i walked into my room with the bottle i was crying cuz i was disappointed in her. Leeroy sees the bottle in my hand, asks to see it, opens it, starts to take a sip, then looks up, sees i'm crying and stops with it a millimeter away from his mouth.
then he asks what's wrong , and i didnt tell him until i was in the midst of a panic attack after kaitlyn went home.
which was when we both ended up being a tad emo, and i started sketching him which never got done because i couldnt do his left arm right.
so yah.
obviously i ned to go back to school because i cant help but write run-ons.
ima go now becuase i'm staring to sound like a certain emo cunt which i dont wish to name,but i think i can gaurntee it's not you.

peace and love
Sarah

BBAAAAAAAAAWWWWW

feeling hurt, and i dunno what else.
i know other people business isnt mine. they broke up. i didnt meant to break them up.
But in all honesty who the fuck does the things she did? this is precisely why i try not to have girlfriends anymore. i got tired of being hurt my their selfish shenanigans.
But i still think that sub consciously at least, he's mad at me for messing it up for them.
Even if i didnt do it, im glad they did break up on some level. I mean, i didnt want it to happen but deep in my mind i think its for the best.
Cmon. A guy about to turn 18 dating a girl about to turn 15?
yes, i know, if it had been me i wouldnt have had as much issue with it. but from the outside it looks ridiculous.
At least now i know i hyave no chance and i can start to try to get over him.
I think.
i still think it's funny that he pulled my head over, kissed it and said i had my first kiss.
but it doesnt count.
EMO ALERT
is till feel unlovable, like im destined to be an old virgin spinster.
I think i'm turning into one of those people who feels worthless unless they have another person's arm around their shoulder.
and it's true because i do feel worthless. i'm the only person my age who has never been in a relationship. Do you know who crappy that makes me feel?
i feel liek a sack of shit with no destination.
i can't wait for this weekend. By the time i get back from Sadie's with my Cambridge shit done, Leeroy will be at my house.
I hope there's no awkwardness. i dont think i'd be able to stand that. I mean, he's my brother, and one of my best friends.

im alive

im shaking, i was so scared.
most of you will not know what happened, and i dont expect you to.
tests were inconclusive.
Now is the time to start living life the way i want to.
Now is the time to fight back against our Governmantal overlords.
this is not right.
we could have all just died and we were not notified.
the government doesnt give two fucks about the people. they only care about their status and their power.

i have a renewed sense of life. it is not something to be taken for granted. i will never cut or attempt suicide again, for i am lucky to be alive.
No this does not mean i believe in god. it just means i dont believe in our Superiors anymore.
i will live life the way i wan tto, and anyone who gets in the way can kiss my ass.
i realized today how scared i am of death when i dont want to be.
i want to be able to look it in the face and laugh at it until it bursts into tears.
just like i did when i thought i was going to die.
the tables are turned from this day forth.
we get the time we get and thats it. the end.
i need to accept that.
now, i am going to go have a good cry from the fucking scare i just got.
love peace and hope
Sarah

holy jesus fucking christ

Guys we are quite possibly more fucked thwn this world has ever been before.
At midnight, LHC goes online.
LHC = lArge Hadron Collider.
this thing has the ability to create a black hole.
And our government will be testing it.
We will all quite possibly die.
if u are readint this after this period of time. i love you and never wanted to let you go.
but i am not in control of the government.
if we die tonight, im sorry.
i know its not my fault but ive known about this for a while but i didnt know it would ahaoppen so quickly. this is a test.
i .love you and i hope we live thru this.
love,
Sarah Virginia Young Ames

Im going to the moon and Im taking a head band

so im sitting here alone for the last 3 hours and i realize how depressed i am.
i mean, maybe it's the fact that my brother's girlfriend is almost my age, so it feels like he has a different sister he's replacing me with, or maybe the fact that Shelby is a complete pansy and refuses to own up to her feelings.
whatever,i should say. let people do what they want.
but when it affects me, it also involves me.and then it becomes kind of my business.
And thats about all im going to say because if i dont stop im gonna start crying again.

im trying to help K get over Allison, and it's not working too well.
i found the Jawbreaker from 7th grade, washed it off, then leeroy stole it. then i stole it back.
leeroy cut my hair for me. i really like it nowim actually brushing it everyday, and it feels nice. i have this one strand that's two feet long; the hair's previous length that i plan on never cutting. So when i'm like, 3o, im gonna have to keep it rolled or something.

A lot of people have been coming over: Corbin, Zack, morgan, and of course leeroy. thus, i have not done a SINGLE MOTHERFUCKING THING FOR MY CAMBRIDGE WORK. if i dont bget into those classes im gonna be so pissed. i plan on locking my self in my room this weekend until ive done a decent amount of it.

i did another sketch of leeroy that i think turned out pretty well.

i made a youtube playlist of songs to listen to when im depressed. surprisingly, it actually helps.

there was a opposum in my room last night. kaitlyn, Zack, Brian and mitchell were all in his room and i was in here checking my email. Suddenly, i hear K screamign that there's a opposum in my room. Im thinkin" wha the fuck? i dont see a oppossum..." i had seen a cat but i wasnt really paying attention and i thought it had jumped out the sliding glass door. so they all run in here and i tell them to calm donw, theres no oppossum. they leave, then after a few minutes i go back to his room. im looking in there and i see a kitten. im thinkin i dont have any kittens that size in my room, should i go check? i decide i would in a few minutes. then , after a few moments, soemthing in my room catches my eye. it's a cute as can be baby oppossum looking straight at me from across the hall in my room. i start freaking out, mitchell figures it out immedialty from me looking at my room, he jumps over the wii that zack was playing, and runs into my room as the oppossum runs under a drawer that had been pulled out of the dresser. Zack runs after him to help. me and kaitlyn are sitting there, still flipping our lids. brian's just kinda standing to the side in my room. They manage to catch it using a blanket and a trash can. Mitchell takes it outside to release it back into the wild. in short, i ned to pay more attention to discerning the difference between cats and oppossums.

the nigth before that there was a bat that flew into my room from the sliding glass door. im screaming, kaitlyn's screaming, Mitchell runs in after like, 2 minutes, dad comes in from the screaming.

today dad asked me if im building an ark. i flipped him off.

Zack got high for the first time last night. it was pretty funny, actually.

typing this post has actually made me feel a lot better. I dont know why. So, i updated, and im going to be doing so a lot more often.
<3 you guys.
peace