I made brownies. And lunch. I need to empty the dishwasher for mom. I was washing my face after I got out of the shower (because I'm weird like that) and somehow managed to make the comb fall in the toilet and knock the lotion fall to the ground with my elbow. Skills.
But the lotion smells good. It's hemp infused although it says on the back it contains no THC which was a letdown...not that I really expected it to be in there.... nevermind.

it's so nice outside. It makes me want to put on a skirt and run around dancing in the sunshine. But I won't. Probably.

I got soul but I'm not a soldier

the title of this post comes from the song All These Things That I've done by The Killers whom I started listening to last night because I realized how awesome they were.

And that's about all I've got to report.
Gonna go take a shower.

peace

I need to start coming up with real post titles.

visited mitchell today, he seems peppy... which is kind of odd, but not entirely unexpected I guess. so I've been up since 8:00 this morning. I stayed up until a little past midnight because zach was going to call... then I decided that the phone would wake me up so I said fuck it and laid down. woke up at 1:03 when my phone screeched that I had a new voicemail, which was zach saying good night and not to worry about calling back. so I had stayed up for nothing but I don't really mind. except that because it woke me up, I couldn't get back into deep sleep for the rest of the night and I kept waking every hour and a half. so I've been tired all day from my lack of sleep and my early rising.

just noticed that several of those sentences start with the word so...and that bugs me. I mean, I realize that writing here doesn't need to be formal but it makes me feel like an idiot.

This bra is uncomfortable. Makes my boobs look good but still.

I'll uhh... I'll go now. Sorry.

mhmm

I thought I remembered saying I would update today so not being one to lie when i can avoid it, I am.
well, it's barely afternoon so not much has happened. woke up to zach calling me, like usual. I don't think he likes the thought of me alone all day. He's making me do an essay on the Gunslinger by stephen king that I have to turn in to him. 3-5 pages. I know it will help me with all this college stuff and my not being in school, but I'm laaaaaazy. He says he's going to fix that.

so I've been up since 10:05. haven't done much of anything. showered, changed my clothes. cleaned some of the smeared makeup off of my face. had two day old steamed shrimp. I should probably go find something real for breakfast. I wrote a few things last night that I'll post either later today or soon. They're just begginnings to stories, nothing spectacular- plus I wrote them at like one in the morning so I wasn't exactly entirely coherent.

yeah. I'm hungry so I'm going to attempt to find something edible here, which is comparable to finding a glass of ice water in the depths of hell. OH well. I'm not really complainging. I'm still alive.

Fuckin A

She's been coming into my room and stealing the bottles I've been taking from her.
You have no idea how much that pisses me off. She invades my privacy (ignoring the fact that I invaded hers fist by taking them) and takes things from me (again, ignoring the hippocracy ( that is so a word google. fuck yourself)) Mother fucker. So now I'm down an almost full bottle of vodka and an unopened bottle of sour apple schnapps. We had plans for those. God damn her. So I guess I need to install the new door knob and start locking my door at night. Great.

In other news, I got bored so I put makeup on. Lipstick that I found in my closet, lip gloss that tastes like cherry vanilla coke, eyeliner (navy blue, teal and black :D) mascara, blue eyeshadow and face...stuff. I dunno what to call it. So I effectively look like a 20 dollar prostitute. The even sadder thing is that my outfit does not match it at all- magical mystery tour shirt, and over shirt and a floor length earth toned skirt. So I look ridculous and I'm pissed. But oddly happy. My mood does that sometime. Ah, Nirvana. Angry music time. I feel like hugging something and then punching it to death. reading that over it makes me laugh. I'll go now.

peace

yeah.

nothing really to report.
mitchell's in jail. he took a plea bargain that I may explain later but basically it comes down to he's in there for two weeks or a little more. It's alright though. I mean, tuesday night I didn't take it quite as well as I would have expected from myself. But no one was online, Zach was doing something...and my mom was drunk...and I mean, there's a box of razorblades right fucking next to the front door. Doing that to me is like putting a syringe next to a heroin addict and expecting him not to touch it. So I have 4 vices. Smoking, cutting, pot, and drinking. But I'm quitting smoking soon. I can tell myself I've quit cutting but I know it's more likely that I'll do it again sometime. And pot and drinking are social so I dont really count those. I'm not exactly a healthy person. But oh well. I've survived thus far.

Monday night before court the next morning Mitchell taught me macrame.
for those who don't know it's kinda like braiding but with four strings instead of three. Not really, but it's comparable and the easiest way to explain it. But yeah. so I've been doing some of that and it's nice. it keep my hands busy which will help with quitting smoking and it lets me think...which may not be the best thing for me to do now that I think about it. But again, oh well.

I've been listenign to music a lot more than I had been lately. I guess I took a break while everything was falling apart for some reason which makes no fucking sense since that could have helped me. When we went to walmart the other day, which I'll explain later cuz it's kind of a sob stroy I guess, Mitchell and I bought like 6 different cds which was nice. I like to own the actually physical disk as well as have to music on my computer. I dunno. I guess I'm weird like that.
So we got best of three dog night cuz we had none for some god awful reason, the eagles new album which really isn't bad, bat out of hell which is surprisingly good, lynard skynard (mitchell's. I don't like them that much) and the bets of warren zevon which was the entire reason i wanted to go in the first place. Also was the last thing I found. one copy left. sitting on some strange shelf in front of a letter that I dont think even sounded like Z.

and now I've lost my train of thought because Zach called me and I was on the phone for 40 minutes.

I'll try to post tomorrow. I'm going to go read or something and wait for him to finish his homework.

peace guys.

just...nothing...

woke up this morning at almost eleven because zach was calling me. talked to him for about 4 minutes until I realized that Mitchell had a meeting with his lawyer at 10:30 this morning. Zach had to go anyway so we hung up, I woke up mitchell who was pissed because mom had forgotten and went to work anyway. This is the earliest I've been up all week. I have no idea what the fuck Im doing with my life. I mean, homeschool sure. We're looking into dual enrollment with NVCC. I have to go back to the school to return books and shit and to talk to the college lady to see if i can do this. It says on the website that if you're 16 and in homeschool you can do it but I have enough faith in my abilities when I apply myself that I could manage right now. I'll take any tests they want me to. I'm just tired of being in high school. It's not that I think I'm better than it or that I already know it all. It's more that I could be doing better things with my time. I want to take my GED and go to college. But no. I'm a year late. Fuck.
I'll talk more later about this when I'm more awake and not to stressed.

Peace

Book

I wrote this today in business law class. It really doesnt say anything...I was writing it so that I have something when i write my book, but I realized i hadnt updated in a long fucking while and that a lot had changed. so here.


So here I am in this class full of seniors, two juniors and a sophomre where im the only freshmen sitting with a chair between me and the creepy girl who’s shorter than I am whose hobbies include talking about meth, looking up horse porn on the school computers and talking about the wild bondage-ey sex she’s going to have with the female librarian. She sounds worse than she really is. I can talk to her sometimes. She’s not stupid, just fucked up. Anyway, im in this class and im in a group with her (amy) and her male equivalent of a mistress. We’re supposed to be working on a poster or something for this business law class but none of us have any idea what we’re talking about. She just got back from court so I havent discussed what we’re doing yet for fear of upsetting her. I am not normally so timid as I am in this class, but from my view point such a change would be understandable. I started this class this semester with two friends, both my grade, in this class with me. Within the first two days, they had transferred out leaving me, too stubborn to give up. Of course, this is ignoring the point that im doing homschool soon which for me is the equivalent of the flight option. I don’t like people. It usually takes a bit for someone to prove to me that they’re worth my time. This proving is generally something they don’t know is occuring. I tend to observe, listen to their interactions with others that they already feel comfortable with. If im lucky, I can see them in an uncomfortable situation too. You can learn a lot about the world around you if you just shut up and watch.for example: I know the guy that sits across from me is unmotivated and will porbably come back to live in this god forsaken county after he graduates, though looking at his work ethic in this class, he may not walk at all. I also know that he’s scared of me, as are the majority of the people in this class. I sit in the corner, wear black and an oversized torn up jacket, a rainbow wristband and ratty jeans. School shooter regalia? Im honestly not sure. Th jacket is comfortable as are the pants. The writsband…I started wearing while my brother was in jail because he was with me when I bought it. Although, it just makes even more people think im gay, which is something amy brought to my attention the other day when she told me I look creepy because I sit here in my corner without talking with my “gay colored” wristband. She asked me if I was gay and I jokingly with a smirk said yes. I asked her if that bothered her and said no with a snort. Of course, this is coming from the girl who last year in my latin class wrote me a love letter. She doesn’t scare me. She mearly boggle my mind we’re a lot alike. We both toke, we both come off as “weird” (apparently) and as much as I hate to say it (boy do I hate to say it) we’re both misunderstood. Im fairly certain that underneath the dark eyes, the creepy laughs, the silence, both of us are fairly nice people. Im not sure, about either of us. Im still in that “trying to find myself” stage which scares me. Especially because of zach. Im fifteen. He’s already talking about marriage. That doesn’t bother me. In fact, it sound wonderful. He’s perfect. I love him and im in love with him. But im afraid of falling out of love with him. In three years, when im 18, who knows what kind of person ill be like? Who knows what will be going through my mind? Does god? Will I believe in him? There are so many questions. No answers. I don’t like it, this not knowing. It’s what keeps me up at night. As does my arm. I prefer to sleep on my right side, and currently im sleeping on my couch in my brother’s room because I don’t like sleeping in my room alone. So my right arm gets laid on and gets that pins and needles affect while my legs are curled up around me. Sound uncomfortable but it’s not bad. Better than sleeping on my bed in the corner of my room next to my sliding glass door which even with the addition of curtains, still scares me. As does amy with scissors. She’s working on the poster project we’re doing that’s due tomorrow, Friday. Cutting and pasting seems fairly unhazardous but when you put it in this chick’s hands anything sharp becomes worthy of defcon 2.