Book

I wrote this today in business law class. It really doesnt say anything...I was writing it so that I have something when i write my book, but I realized i hadnt updated in a long fucking while and that a lot had changed. so here.


So here I am in this class full of seniors, two juniors and a sophomre where im the only freshmen sitting with a chair between me and the creepy girl who’s shorter than I am whose hobbies include talking about meth, looking up horse porn on the school computers and talking about the wild bondage-ey sex she’s going to have with the female librarian. She sounds worse than she really is. I can talk to her sometimes. She’s not stupid, just fucked up. Anyway, im in this class and im in a group with her (amy) and her male equivalent of a mistress. We’re supposed to be working on a poster or something for this business law class but none of us have any idea what we’re talking about. She just got back from court so I havent discussed what we’re doing yet for fear of upsetting her. I am not normally so timid as I am in this class, but from my view point such a change would be understandable. I started this class this semester with two friends, both my grade, in this class with me. Within the first two days, they had transferred out leaving me, too stubborn to give up. Of course, this is ignoring the point that im doing homschool soon which for me is the equivalent of the flight option. I don’t like people. It usually takes a bit for someone to prove to me that they’re worth my time. This proving is generally something they don’t know is occuring. I tend to observe, listen to their interactions with others that they already feel comfortable with. If im lucky, I can see them in an uncomfortable situation too. You can learn a lot about the world around you if you just shut up and watch.for example: I know the guy that sits across from me is unmotivated and will porbably come back to live in this god forsaken county after he graduates, though looking at his work ethic in this class, he may not walk at all. I also know that he’s scared of me, as are the majority of the people in this class. I sit in the corner, wear black and an oversized torn up jacket, a rainbow wristband and ratty jeans. School shooter regalia? Im honestly not sure. Th jacket is comfortable as are the pants. The writsband…I started wearing while my brother was in jail because he was with me when I bought it. Although, it just makes even more people think im gay, which is something amy brought to my attention the other day when she told me I look creepy because I sit here in my corner without talking with my “gay colored” wristband. She asked me if I was gay and I jokingly with a smirk said yes. I asked her if that bothered her and said no with a snort. Of course, this is coming from the girl who last year in my latin class wrote me a love letter. She doesn’t scare me. She mearly boggle my mind we’re a lot alike. We both toke, we both come off as “weird” (apparently) and as much as I hate to say it (boy do I hate to say it) we’re both misunderstood. Im fairly certain that underneath the dark eyes, the creepy laughs, the silence, both of us are fairly nice people. Im not sure, about either of us. Im still in that “trying to find myself” stage which scares me. Especially because of zach. Im fifteen. He’s already talking about marriage. That doesn’t bother me. In fact, it sound wonderful. He’s perfect. I love him and im in love with him. But im afraid of falling out of love with him. In three years, when im 18, who knows what kind of person ill be like? Who knows what will be going through my mind? Does god? Will I believe in him? There are so many questions. No answers. I don’t like it, this not knowing. It’s what keeps me up at night. As does my arm. I prefer to sleep on my right side, and currently im sleeping on my couch in my brother’s room because I don’t like sleeping in my room alone. So my right arm gets laid on and gets that pins and needles affect while my legs are curled up around me. Sound uncomfortable but it’s not bad. Better than sleeping on my bed in the corner of my room next to my sliding glass door which even with the addition of curtains, still scares me. As does amy with scissors. She’s working on the poster project we’re doing that’s due tomorrow, Friday. Cutting and pasting seems fairly unhazardous but when you put it in this chick’s hands anything sharp becomes worthy of defcon 2.