To All It May Concern

So today i went to Dr.Deckers and talked to him. Dad dropped me off here, nad i walked in. i went in my grandmothers room to check on her and to tell her i was here. Apparently, before Martha and Mitchell left, Grammy messed her pants badly. So they cleaned her up a bit. then, they left without saying goodbye, so she didnt know if they were there or not. So i come in, and my grandmother is in the bed. She tells me that she didnt want it to happen again, and hadnt wanted to get up in case the motion made it happen, so she hadnt gotten up to pee, and had done it in the bed . Great. So i make her get up, i change the dirty sheets, and get her a new shirt. then, while she is still on the toilet, she tells me to get a warm wet rag and clean her back off. not wanting to do, i do it anyway. This was all as i walked in the door. i hadnt even put my stuff down when she started giving me orders. So, this 14 year old girl is rinsing off her grandmothers back. The room stinks like shit, and she is being a bitch like always. She sees some of her mess on the floor and she wants me to clean it up. And i do. So i changed the gross blankets and put more on the bed. When im done and she is finally in bed, i leave. i get to the computer room and im about to sit down when she calls me back. i go back there.
"Oh, never mind."
ok. So i leave again. Then, i get to the computer room, and she yells about her heating pad.
So i go back there and put the pad on high and i tuck it on her shoulder.
then i came up here to type this.



This post is not just going to be me bitching. im tired of bitching. im tired of dealing with this. i am tired of dealing with life. Which is why tonight, i am going to end it all. i have done some research, and have found that if i mix my grandmother's cholesterol pill with niquil, it will kill me in about 25 minutes. So, i have the niquil right here next to me, and i can see the box which contains the bottle of pills. If you are thinking about how much i have to look forward to, shut the fuck up. the only chance i am going to have to move back home is when my grandmother dies. Even then, I personally wont be able to move in until the house is clean and the cats are gone. So, here is my Last Will And Testament.


I, Sarah Virginia Young Ames, being of sound body and unsound mind, do wish to proceed my Will and Testament.

To Austen Havens Orien Cloud, i wish to give all of my cigarettes that i may have lying around. Also, the gloves from hot topic, Blue, and my seventh grade portfolio. Also, my Beatles posters other than the one Adam picks out. Please help him do it.


To Adam Ryan Carter, i wish to give every single pen or pencil i own, or have ever owned. Also,one beatles poster so you may actually learn their names, and which ones are alive and dead.




To Mitchell Douglas Young Ames, my brother. i wish to give furniture, and my room of he still wants it.


To Eve Iris Nealon. i wish to give my barbie perfume, and any Axe i may have left.


To Christopher Earl Mitchell (Leeroy), my "brother" I leave my slinky, and Tiny Lego Man. Also,if you wish, you can have copies of the pictures from the mall.


To Lois Marie Young,i leave my clothes that she wants, because she wears them anyway.


To Mark Duane Ames i leave all of my music videos and dvds.

to Sara Michelle Kitchen i leave all of my teddy bears.

To... i don't know who else. what ever you want, i guess, you can have. but be nice to each other about it.


I just finished my last cigarrete, and i'm going to go steal one of my mom's beers for my last drink.

Love you. Bye.



P.S. read the comment section. if you dont, i haunt you till you die

overdue

i know i havnt posted in a while but i dont get a chance often, you know? Well, basically, two days ago, my dad came here, after pretty much leaving, which is when we moved in, Anyhow, after about 20 minutes, Grammy basicllay told him to get the fuck out. What a functional family. Well, i'm going to see him tomorrow,one of his days off from work...yes work! he finally found a job! he works part time for Circuit City in winchester! i'm so happy for him! anyhow. Well probably be going to amovie and lunch and stuff cuz i havnt seen him in forever and ever. But, not everything is ahppy. i just wrote this draft of an email i might send to mitchell if he ever pisses me off to much like he almost did just now. here it is:

you know, the only thing in this worl that you have done for me is make it miserable. You tell me to grow up, when you are the one that acts like he's still in 9th grade. I'm still 14. you, my friend are the reason that i had no childhood. yah. i still blame you, and i always will. i don't want you to kill your self, i want you to change. i want you to realize that life doesnt always go your way, and that when it doesnt, you cant just break the television set and go to sleep. It doesnt work. Not once, Not once have you taken responsiblity fro your actions. yiur 18 now. Stop acting like a douch bag, grow some balls, and grow the fuck up.


Nice? i liked it at the time. havnt reread it yet.

When dad came he brought the presents from Dead Denise , which were a wallet, stationary, and a kick ass alarm clock. Dad and nancy included stuff to. zMagazine clippings, Snail shaped cookies!,little cloth snails (about the size of a quarter) and these tattoos from the poptarts box. Just little stuff, but the little stuff is what counts.


well, i'll tell you what happens tomorrow when i get back. Love ya! Bye

depression makes me tired ^_^

Just woke up about an hour ago. went to sleep about 7 last night... the mall was fun, just not as fun as i expected. Everyone seemed to be bored.i got some perfume,a new shirt, a necklace, a poster,the rainbow-y half gloves, and a slinky. we got a set of dominos and a nother slinky because we were bored and had nothing else to do. so we went outside and played with them on the sidewalk. I think the day ended with us having three dollars left of the original hundred something. the malls fuckign expensive. we had MCcdonalds for lunch because it was the cheapest thing there. Not much else to report, i guess. Love ya, bye

blah,blah,blah

i'm here,just busy. i found this webpage that is one fo the funniest things i have ever read. Though, some of you may not appreciate it.i got an easter basket form ginger, even though i really see no point in celebrating a Zombie's return. Whatever. to each their own. Last night my grandmother was watching the Sound of music on t.v. when she fell asleep. While asleep, mind you, she started screaming about needing sandwiches. When my mother went to find out what the fuck she was talking about she was informed by her dreaming mother that the children needed sandwiches. So. the children from The Sound of music were real. They were hungry. And they wanted sandwiches. Dear god someone please shoot me. i was laughing for like 20 minutes.
i convinced mom to get pizza hut on friday. i got my own pizza, and i fiished it this morning for breakfast.
i'm getting a pimple on my chin. And it hurts. i'm gonna go watch soemthing on t.v. maybe. Maybe play Audiosurf. Bye!

*pouts*

Well, i had dinner with Austen and his family last night. It was fun, but kinda awkward since he and i were the only ones that weren't a couple. i met Alana's boyfriend, Albert, who seems nice. Austen's dad seems really nice, too. Austen and i both ordered the cheapest thing on the menu; a $10 cheeseburger. it was about 5 inches across, and 4 inches thick. Now i feel like fatass for eating the whole god damn thing. Anyway. We decided over dinner that today we would go see a movie(Horton Hears A Who).But, apparently, His dad doesn't remember the way here, and neither Zack nor Alana have ever been here. So. i can't go, because if Martha drove me, we would hve to leave Grammy here alone while we drive to Winchester. And this makes me sad, because i was really looking forward to it. But, this way, they don't have to worry about giving me a ride BACK here at the end of the day when it's dark. Brighter side? i have Spaghettios. i have chocolate.i have mt cat right here. I'm going to the mall on Monday. i hope. i still have to call Leeroy. Plus, just to make me feel worse, i think i'm about to start PMSing again. which would be the reason i can't stop crying.


i told Martha the reason i couldn't go was because Austen's grandpa's condition got worse in the hospital. So. i think she believed me. i hate to lie to her, but i don't want ther to feel bad. Well, i'm gonna go eat my spagettios. Bye.

mowr?

i forgot what i was gonna type...dammit. Is anyone gonna enter my contest? here. i'll start:





ewwe542u7y



Sarah. Get it? now try, you assholes!

confused...and hungry...not a good combination...

1/5th of me wants to scream, 1/5th of me wants a cigarette...make that 2/5ths.1/5th of me wants to run around in circles for joy, and the last 1/5th wants to beat the shit out of something.

actually feeling kinda happy-ish right now. *sings ♫♪♫♪♪♫ oooh.... i have a competition for y'all. whoever can type their name with their forehead the best, wins....something. i still have to work that out.But. RULEZ: 1. You can't just type it. You're typing with your forehead for fucks sake. it won't be perfect, and i will know if you cheat. 2.each entry must be accompanied by a 3 sentence essay on why you deserve to win. 3. Entries will be judged on the following criteria:
a. how much you bribe me (the more, the better!)
b. how many big words you use in your essay, but the have to make sense.
c. how i'm feeling the day i check for winners
d.how close your forehead typed your name
e. what shirt i am wearing that day
f. what i ate for breakfast


now, to you, this might just seem like a joke. To prove that it is not, i will up the prize to: i will enter the winners name into a conversation once an hour, for an entire day.and, possibly, if you're lucky, you might be able to win an energy drink...or some food staple from my grandmother's pantry........... So. who will win? who will lose? who cares?
I DO!!!!

reporting in

well, i havnt been able to post lately because satellite internet is being a fucking cuntbucket.. There's not much to report.... My stomach hurts, my brother's over at some whore's house(not sure which one)... Yah. I got the plant put in my locker. It's a bonsai, and i really like it. I got a light to put in there to simulate sun lite, but i dont know how that will work. Also, i'm going to attach a little fake tire to it so it looks like a tree with a tire swing.just me and my crazy fucked up ideas:) bye guys. Love you

Also!

i forgot to add: I don't give a flying fuck in hell if he got a motherfucking blow job! She was his girlfriend, and if it disgusts you, don't watch! Yah, i realize it's the bus. But once again, you don't even fucking know him. And to me, someone who actually DOES know him, it doesn't sound like something he'd do. And it doesn't sound like something he'd do to Mitchell. Or Eve. And they've both known him since he came to this fucking school, so i think they're pretty good judges of his character. I don't think you should develop an opinion until you've actually experienced the offending object for your self. That means, not just basing your opinion on something your friend said, or what i said. You havn't even given him a motherfucking chance.

i should know better after 14 years...

i just kinda feel like ranting. First on my list: Mitchell.
first of all, eve, you are a complete and total idiot to keep dating him.This weekend, instead of going with you to either the raid or the aquarium, he has decided that he is going to Jess's house. Which leads to my other point. i asked him what was happening this weekend, for the third time in 2 and a half weeks, and he starts yelling at me. i'm sorry if i wanna fucking know what the fuck i'm doing this weekend! he's a little inconsiderate douche bag and the day that all of his "friends" leave him, i'm gonna laugh and stay friends with them! ha! he can go fuck himself with a jackhammer for all i care! i say that i love him and everything's cool. but there's just this layer of hatred that is settled in the pit of my stomach that starts throbbing at times like this.And of course, being the pussy i am, when i feel hate anywhere, be it from me, or someone else, i start to cry. if i could, i'd have my tear ducts removed. Look. i know you guys are worried. but you have to wait for me to come to you. if you come to me and start judging me, i'm just gonna push you away. there's an overload of shit in my life. ive got my grandmother yelling every 3 minutes, my dad and not being able to see him, concerned friends,a complete and total fucking asshole,habits that make me happy, but every one else in the world seems to have a problem with, body image details, and im sure there are others.



Leeroy's like the big brother i never really had that didn't kick me around and put me down. he'd do anything for me, like i'd do just about anything for him. we're Nothing more, nothing less. so just because he is a friend i made after i changed my outlook on life, your gonna say he's a bad influence. fine. you can think that. but he is not the reason i started smoking. i started smoking because i was stressed one day after catering to my senile grandmother's every whim and nag. He is not the reason i started drinking. i started drinking because i wanted to stop being a fucking goody goody and have some fun for once..


now i ask you. have any of you ever been in this position? Ever walked a day in my shoes? Then i ask you, why do you judge me as you do?


No, this is not my attempt to say," ooohhh pity me. i have it so hard!" this is me trying to defend myself,my life and my friend against you. Which i never really thought i'd have to do.

i came, i saw, i attempted to set up a democratic government abd failed, but i stayed there for 6+ years and claimed them to have weapons of mass dest

yeah... just kind of hanging out ...with myself.. in my aunt's basement, while talking to Leeroy on the phone. i apologized for War girl FUCKING JUMPING IN BETWEEN US WHILE WE WERE HAVING A CONVERSATION. seriously, we were talking at the end of my lunch table, and she leaped in front of me so i couldn't see him. It really pissed him off, too. i talked to her about it, but i think she'll probably do it again...

CAPTAIN PLANET

"EARTH!"
"FIRE!"
"WIND!"
"WATER!"
"HEART!"

"Go Planet!"

"By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!"

Captain Planet, he's our hero
Gonna take pollution down to zero

He's our powers magnified
And he's fighting on the planet's side

Captain Planet, he's our hero
Gonna take pollution down to zero

Gonna help him put asunder
Bad guys who like to loot and plunder

"You'll pay for this Captain Planet!"

We're the Planeteers
You can be one too
'Cause saving our planet is the thing to do!

Looting and polluting is not the way
Hear what Captain Planet has to say!

"The Power is Yours!"

What goes through your head????

You know how i ride the bus to Ginger's house after school? well, she has some gospel shit or something they recorded at their church, playing upstairs, and she's singing along. She is one of the worst vocalists i have ever heard. I am going to puncture my eardrums. i'll try to take my mind off of it for now, i guess. Let's play a game!!! guess what number i'm thinking? Don't Peek! got it? It was 17. Did you win? Oh. sorry. better luck next time.

Oh, my god. I could kill War Girl right now. i was talking to leeroy next to my locker with Austen, and all of a fucking sudden, she comes out of nowhere, and starts practically screaming at him about how he's a bad influence. That was all i heard, then i dragged her down the hallway. i hate to think of what she might've said if she stayed there. the entire time, he's just laughing and saying " i don't even know who the fuck you are!" Dear god! then leeroy left, so i didn't even really get to talk to him and he wasnt at school yesterday, so i needed to. You make me mad. you need a new name... i'll give you one at my next post. well, i'm gonna go brood in this basement. Bye!

bored..and bored...

you know, i'm sure this has been apperent to you all, and in my subconscious it has been to me, too. But i just realized that, i'm fucking EMO!!! And i'm damn proud of it. ususlly, i don't really like getting asigned to a "side" but, shit happens. Although, i can be very judgmental, but that's not the point. Also, i think i'm bipolar, which would explain my inability to go a day without laughing at something stupid... ADD is also a possibility, cuz it's hard to concentrate sometimes, but that might be th Bipolar... ness...? OOH OOH OOH I have come to another great conclusion, like about Santa? But this one is about Jesus. JESUS HAS AIDS!!!!! Yeah, you heard me bitch!!!
See? I change topics regularly. Anyway. i'm going to be trying to take War Girl to the mall, cuz we haven't really talked for a while. Also, i'll probably be going to the Thorton River Grille with Austen... If mom lets me.well, that's all i have to report... Bye guys!

not much to report...

i got a brand fucking new computer,because my mom wanted the old one so she could play solitaire.It's an odd reason, but i'm not complaining. Not much else to report... just took a shower... Going to the mall soon, maybe over spring break...not sure... i got a plant to put in my locker.yes, a plant. it will be installed sometime this week. there's not much else, so i'm gonna go. Bye!

i would like to scream at the top of my lungs, but that would disturb my grandmother

i swear to god. if i have to stay here much longer i am going to shoot myself in the foot.Do you guys have any idea how stressful it is to have to take care of a 76 year old woman? Who nags about stupid shit? Who screams in her sleep? Who asks for her mother who has been dead for 30 years? Didn't think so. imagine being taken away from your lifestyle, and having to move to a place where you can't walk down the hall without being asked to do something,can't play your music, can't cry without being barraged with questions,have zero privacy, where your life suddenly revolves around if your grandmother took her pills.

actually feeling good about myself

been talking to war girl, and i'm genuinely happy.we have plans to go... somewhere. i'm not sure where yet.still disoriented. we have to plan for our next year in school, and i'm drawing a blank. Seriously, it's a pretty good picture of a blank.... never mind. well, i'm done here. love ya. bye

वर girl

go to your gmail account, and chat with me. Now! i guess i need to talk to yuo

अहह!

War girl! check your email! now!

Fuck Yeah!

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if there is agod, he hates me.

i was getting off the bus, slipped on the wet stairs and landed on the mud and gravel on my ass. i scraped my knee, and my ass hurts so bad. i'm gonna go kill my self now.

:(

_@_,, lookie! it's a snail! mitchell told me some way to do it but i changed it. it's so cute...

cold, harsh, metal.

so fucking depressed, you'd think my entire family had died.You know what? i want some vodka. Right now. i want everything to be funny, like the weekends where Leeroy comes over and we all get drunk as fuck. Or the time it was Zack, Eve, Morgan, Leeroy, Mitchell and i, and we all just partied. Watching Donnie Darko, me the drunkest i had ever been, with Leeroy and Zack convincing me that Frank was watching me. At one point, i was sitting on the other side of the room, so wasted i couldnt walk, and Leeroy had me convinced that Scream was behind me. i turned, and mistaking Mitchell's trench coat for Scream, screamed. Wow. That was a fun night. wish i was home so i could fucking actually do that. i just want to get drunk and laugh. i want to talk to Leeroy. Fuck this shit.