Shhhh

Alright, I'm going to be making the blog private. If you want to be able to read it, comment on this post saying as much. Dont be timid... I really dont care who reads it, just dont want just anybody to, ya dig?

This will be my last post for a bit so whoever frequents can see this.... so I'll update now.
Zach leaves college tomorrow, which means I'll more likely than not be able to see him next week....kinda excited, kinda scared....

And I just told him that i cut myself. He took it fairly well.
Going to clean my room tomorrow so when he comes over he doesnt see it like this... because Austen was right. There are layers, and I'm sure you could spend days finding new things.

Talk to you guys later.

peace

Attencion

Everybody, Please be careful tomorrow. Not really worth explaining, but just keep an eye out for anything strange or unnerving...and remember that things will get better.

Peace

back

got back yesterday. It was a nice weekend, very hot.
grammy's back in the hospital, and I'm about to start cleaning my room again. Corbin's asleep on my couch in mitchell's room.

peace.

Bye

just a fast update before ginger and roger get home and we have to leave.
Umm...packed yesterday, roger picked me up, talked to Zach a few times, had dinner ( with a salad and everything... I swear ginger is june cleaver reincarnate.) went to bed...Zach called me at one in the morning....read a book about how evil liberals are and how saintlike the right wing is. I lol'd repeatedly.

Well, I'll talk to you guys in a little more than 2 days... Zach's supposed to call me right about now so I need to go somewhere where I have signal (e.g. not the basement where the computer is located.)

Everyone have a safe, fun weekend. I'll update when I get back

peace

Ghostly?

she's seen my grandfather.
what a coincidence. So have I. The only thing I regret now is that I dont remember where she said she had seen him.

I felt like posting that for some reason.



**She = My grandmother. We went to see her. She's batty.

clothes?

found another pair of pants... they're old, and were bought too small but now they fit which makes me feel really good :D
I also found another girl cut shirt, when i thought I only had one in my possession. I stand corrected. I still need to pack for this weekend. I cleaned my bowl kinda sorta.
The onyl thing I've had to eat today is doritos, and i shoudl probably get something real to eat before Zach calls me and bugs me about that some more. I know he wants the best for me, so I dont really mind. I wish it was still raining though. It was nice earlier, walking around in the rain while the power was off on the phone with Zach.

I likve these pants. And this shirt.

I'm awesome.

Damn.

I'm almost back to where I started. Fuck my life.

ow

ok so my head hurts, it feels like Im going to throw up, my grandmother is in the hospital after I had a dream last night that she died, Logan just went home, I haven't heard from Zach, my computer is being a flaming homosexual, and my throat hurts.

That's about it.

mergle.

nothing to say.
played mario kart last night
did 32 races by myself....that was a bitch
started super mario 64 today
I have 4 stars ^_^
so yeah.....


bye

ahhhh need water

so we all kinda got drunk last night...
turns out that that bottle of schnapps that disappeared was actually hidden by my beloved brother.
and sour apple schnapps is like...god juice.
we all kinda crashed around 6, except for mitchell who went to sleep at like 10 something I think after corbin and morgan left.

so here I am. I remember bits and pieces... we watched borat.... then this morning when I woke up, mitchell made me watch an eminem video, then i feel asleep again...then zach called...and he let me go back to sleep because I was hungover and groggy and couldnt really talk. so he called back an hour later and now I'm listening to music.

Dad left for his parents' house again. No clue when I'll see him again.

Going to the cabin on the 24th. I thin I'm going to try to get some pictures and post em up here.It's beautiful down there.

My head kind of throbs...I hadn't had much to eat yesterday... not smart, I know. But I've had a hot pocket now.

I'm going to go wake up mitchell because I'm bored and I need to tell him that dad is gone.

peace guys

so here I am

Mitchell came home early
they fucked up with the days
so he walked here this morning from the jail.
Austen spent last night, that was pretty fun.
Now Morgan Corbin and Mitchell are in his room watching the goonies and here I am.
cool, I know.

what the fuck

yesterday after me and leeroy came back from our walk, we put on once upon a time in mexico and we both ended up falling asleep.

I had a nightmare about zombies.
like, we were at ginger's house ( me mom ginger roger eric frank and one of the aunts from sabrina the teenage witch) from the outside, but when you went inside, it was our house.

so we were all talking about the jobs each of us needed to do to survive for now then we all plit off and worked accordingly.

I mentioned to mom about a rundown fence I had see.

- the interesting thing here is that the fence I was talking about is actually the old electric fence that we had to climb over for our walk in real life-

apparently in dream zombie world though, this was the fence they had put up to defend against the undead

--another sidenote--
-this is apparently a recurring dream, because I remember one from a few days ago where I first came home from a camp or a friends house or soemthing and found them all hiding from said zombies, thus I was not aware of said fence-

so she freaks out and we go to fix the fence, and I can see it the way it is in real life:
rusty and dilapidated

mom starts crying as we hear the zombies coming closer. I didnt see any faces but I saw legs and feet and heard the moans and that was all creepy enough.

so I told her it would be ok and then I woke up.


I swear, this is the first nightmare I ever remember having. not even things as a little kid.

so creepy.
it frightens me just thinking about it.

phone is now blue

Leeroy just left....
Mitchell gets out monday night....
so I need to clean his room....
I think I'll go do that now....



peace

<--insert witty post title here-->

just got back from a walk in the woods with leeroy. he came over this morning as we arranged last night....
twas a nice walk. went to the big rock then to the creek then back home.
gonna go play mario kart now.

peace

Strange

You know, the one day that I leave the house and actually do something, is the day I don't feel like writing any of it down.

Went to deckers, that was fine.
Zach called me while I was talking to him, and I made a snap decision to tell him about us. So I did, and he seems...maybe not worried, but concerned. So he wants to "talk me through" our relationship as it goes down the road....he sees him as this weird pedophiliac freak, which really isn't true at all ><
but he swore up and down not to tell dad so Im not worried.

but yeah. so before we left I called him back because when my phone had rung earlier I answered, said "be quiet" and hung up. then we went to nancy's, then to lunch then to the bank, and then to get dad's prescriptions. He had called me while dad was in the bank and I had answered...and then lost signal after the prescriptions...

I talk about that too much.


Anyway.

I need to clean my room and mitchell's, I need to charge my phone, and I need to make something for dinner soon.

Meh.

yeah

worthlesscreativeoutput.blogspot.com

took your suggestion.

On the Spot

She had a slow smile, as if she had to reassure herself every time that happiness was permissible. This was the only clue she let by that showed what she was like deep inside: so conscious of herself that she didn't know how she felt about anything anymore.
He noticed this when no one else did. He saw the hesitation in her eyes whenever a joke was told or someone humiliated themselves for the sake of humor. He wanted to fix this. He wanted to take away her inhibitions and her make her smile - laugh, even- without her giving a second thought.


*I got the first line in my head, then the rest just came. Probably won't go any farther than this. I'll post the others that I actually have written down tomorrow, like I've been saying for the past week and a half.

Viva la Vida

doing nothing...
just listening to coldplay, then some julian lennon.
kinda want to go down to the creek, but it's a little cold and the pants I'm wearing have two huge holes in the leg.

thinking about calling dad and seeing if he could take me to dr. decker's on Thursday. I just really need to get shit off my chest, and I'm getting tired of publishing posts full of nothing but bitching.

so I may do that. I dont know when dad is planning on coming home, or even if he is. This is such a fucked up situation.

Mom got me another exit sign for my room. It's not like the other one; it just needs to perch on something instead of being screwed into the wall. So I put it above my sliding glass door on the plate rack that sits there.

The phones got turned off last night because we hadnt paid the bill. So when zach tried to call me this morning it didnt work. so I emailed mom and she paid it and now balance is restored to the force.

I feel like running. I don't care where. Just running.
This is strange.

not good.

(10:57:46 PM) Zach: now I know you stressed but you are better then that
(10:57:52 PM) Zach: you dont need drugs
(10:58:05 PM) Zach: you are better person

I swear to god I feel so guilty right now it's not even close to funny.

thinking.

about a lot.
this potato tastes liek choclate.

and I think it would be cool fi when you step on something like a fork you wouldn't get stabbed or have to say "ouch I stepped on that" but you'd get sucked down into the item and it had this little justice system that would tell you you were bad for being negligent about the thing and would be all "dont do it again grr" and then it would let you go back up.

and how Zach practically hug up on me because he realized I was high as balls. Could over hear him and my sister talking her saying she wasnt mad, but dissappointed, and him saying he was mad. I have a bad feeling that if I continue to smoke (anything) our relationship is either going to fail or become very stressed.

fuck my life.

thinking.

need another cup of coffee.

I tried to sleep outside last night because it was nice and I thought I could manage in the dark by myself.

I almost did. I brought a few candles out with me and read for a while. Zach called, I drew a little. Finally went to sleep around 2 something. Woke up at 2:30. went back to sleep. Woke up again, dont remember the time. Woke up at 3:30,said fuck this and went inside.
woke up this morning at 10 something I think....cuz my phone was making sounds. I picked it up and opened it to check the time and Zach was on the line....that was sort of trippy. So I talked to him. Then made myself lunch. And now I'm sitting here listening to music.

And that's it.

current music: Smile Like You Mean It- The Killers
flavor of gum: Tropical twist
number of open tabs: 10

nothing to say.

I'm just kinda bored.

Mitchell gets out in 9 days. I need to clean his room before he comes home.

I had been sleeping in there even before he left because I really really really (really) don't like sleeping in my room alone (multiple reasons.) so I had been sleeping on my couch that he stole from me a while back. Then he left and I continued because of my aversion to my room and because it made me feel better.
So effectively I have messed it up a little.

I really just want to have a party.
Just kick back with some friends, a fire, music, Roger Roland Malone, some drinks.....ah.

I also really want to sketch something. My fingers are practically shaking with creativity right now. So drawing something would be like masturbation for my hands right now. The finished product being its cum.

Suddenly it doesn't surprise me why people give me strange looks.

I lost my pack of Turkish Silvers.

I don't need them, I would just really enjoy them right now.

I also need to clean my room. It's god awful.
And I need to rearrange it a little. My bed is currently next to the wall that is next to the laundry room where mom sleeps. And that just won't work.... especially if I became sexually active (which I'm not and not planning on it) and because I sit there when I'm on the phone and the majority of my conversations do not need to be over heard, at the very least by my mother.

I wonder something. What exactly is the point of purchasing white pants? They're just going to get dirty. Might as well buy black of brown pants instead; it will be the end result.
The fact that I myself own a pair of white pants is not the point of the story. It was part of a halloween costume and they just happen to be sort of comfortable. I also am aware that they will not be white for long and have taken to doodling little hippie type things on my legs. I have a rainbow on my knee. I wonder how many people can say that and not be lying.

I also wonder something else.
Why is it that if a chick has a dildo, she is considered "sexually revolutionized" or whatever, but when I a guy gets a fleshlight he's pathetic? I've thought about this a lot, and I seriously can;t come up with a good answer. Anyone?

I really didn't expect to say this much. I figured it would just be a useless list of things I've done and haven't done and more of me feeling sorry for myself (which I have no business doing) but this was nice.



current music: Everything Will Be Alright by The Killers
current mood: thoughtful/jumpy
current footwear: none

adjvn

went to sleep at 5 this morning. woke up at 7:45 to go see Mitchell.
came back home fore a few hours. went to ginger's vow renewal at 12.
sat in a church for an hour.
did not get struck by lightning.
helped mom plant pansies on fauz's grave.
went to the reception at my grandmother's house.
talked to people who I have not seen in years, some whom I didnt even remember.
as we were leaving frank sees the cuts on my hand and asked who bit me. I didnt answer. he says" those arent bites?" and I don't answer. just changed the subject back to the beer he had tried to give me 20 minutes before. took a sip and left.
then we went to walmart where I found eyeshadow that almost matches my eyes perfectly. mom got fish and four snails for her aquarium.some food. then we went home.

it was the kind of day where it makes me wish I had had more than just the one hit off of Roger before leaving the house.

I'm tired, kinda hungry,and a little bit cranky.
I'm going to eat some cantalope and go read my book until I fall asleep.

good night, happy days to all

peace

And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home; Excitable Boy, they all said.

It is very sobering when you come to the conclusion that you are unlovable.

What's even stranger is that we're still together.

Stranger still is the fact that I'm not half as depressed as the first statement makes me sound. In fact, I'm not depressed at all. Simply sobered.

He took little Susie to the junior Prom, Excitable boy they all said.

nothing new really.

yesterday went for a walk like I said I would.
then today I left at 1:30, walked all over my woods to the big rock, around the creek taking pictures. Then I laid out my blanket and read for a bit in the rain. Got back at 3 so I spent a good amount of time out in nature.

need to find clothes for this saturday for ginger's vow renewal...don't remember if I mentioned that. Which means I have to go back to their church which I haven't done in.....fuckin years. SO it will be awkward. And highly uncomfortable. But Mitchell made me promise I would go and take pictures. So I will.

I'm fucking cold. With the combination of walking in the rain and having no heat, my fingers are freexing. I'm even wearing a fucking sweater which I never do.
I think I'll go take a shower. That may help.

Last night when I couldn't go to sleep I did a sketch of my left hand palm up. It's not too bad considering the time frame.

I'll post some things I've written tomorrow too. Don't expect much from me though. It's less than mediocre.

shower tiem.

peace.

a-hoy hoy

uhh yeah.
just finished breakfast which was microwave popcorn.
took a shower.
talked to zach.
tried to peal the masking tape off of my sliding glass door.

so I think I'm gonna take your advice and make this private...

if any of you want to read it, just send me an email or something....
chances are I'll permit you.

I am so bored that I'm contemplating cleaning.
seriously.

fukkit. I'll go have a cigarette and walk in the rain.

peace