Subject has returned to the building

So I have Mitchell's laptop in my room right now. amazingly enough, not a whole lot has happened in the past 2 months. I got the rules for my foster care last wednesday which are completely asinine. here, look for yourself.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

1. All visits between Sarah & her mother, Lois, her father, Mark and her brother Mitchell must be SUPERVISED by the Foster parents, Roger & Ginger Miller. This means that Mr. & Mrs. Miller must accompany Sarah at all times during visits with her family.

2. Visitation will occur once a week on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It is Lois & Mark’s responsibility to call Roger & Ginger to set up their visits. The may last up to 4 hours.

3. Sarah is to remain at Roger & Ginger Miller’s home and she is not to spend the night at any other residence until this department has met with the biological parents and determined the goals that must be completed in order for the parents to regain custody of Sarah.

4. Curfew is 10:00pm during the week and 11:00pm on Saturday & Sunday. However, remember that Sarah must be accompanied by her foster parents during any outings.

5. Until this department has met with the entire Ames family, no family members are to spend the night in the Miller Home besides Sarah Ames.

6. Sarah is not to be in the company of anyone above the age of 18 until they’ve completed the criminal and background checks required by the department of social services.

7. Sarah is to abide by all the rules of Roger & Ginger Miller’s Household.

yeah.

so suddenly I dont feel like typing anything else because the fan on this thing s making a buzzing sound that makes me want to kill myself and the keyboard sucks.

peace.

Continued. Scroll down one before you read this.

Subject is experiencing recurring thoughts of suicide, though no formal plans have been made. She has noted a twinge in her wrists that she claims to be comparable to an itch to drag a razor blade across them. This has been experienced before. Subject feels as though he could make it all better, though part of her mind knows it's not true. The other part feels as though it is worth a try. Subject would like to scratch all of her skin off and laugh while she is doing it. Subject just started crying again. She would like the voices in her head to stop before she completes her ride on the road to insanity. Subject would like to give everyone a reason to stop saying "She's taking it well". Subject would like to cause everybody the pain she feels. Especially the people she loves. Subject is crying once again. Subject would like to start cutting on her hands again so people can see it. Not for attention, but just so they stop talking to her. She feels a pull towards the idea of becoming a recluse and refusing to come out of her room. She would like to scream and cry and punch and kick and have him hold her and make sure she knows he will not let her go. Subject would like to think she would believe him when he said that.
Subject knows she would not.
Subject would like to contact his friend herself to let him know she is not imaginary as he believes her to be.
Subject feels that if she were thin and attractive she would have already met his friends.
Subject feels a mischievous sort of happiness at the thought of getting a ride to his house and introducing herself to his parents.
Subject feels a strange alienation from her friends and family. She would like to run into her aunt and uncle's room, jump on there bed and explain all of the ways she would like to murder them. She would like to be committed.

god fuck shit cunt dammit.

So I think I may have begun my breakdown.
The psychologist part of me is observing the rest of as I slowly degenerate into the most primitive of the human emotions:
Anger
Grief
Happiness (however brief my current experiences of it are)
Subject has spent the past 4 hours breaking into seemingly random fits of tears and aggression. As she has no one to physically take out her anger on, it reverts to her in the form of cutting and chewing on her lips. Subject did not eat with the rest of the family until her fit was over, and even then just had two pieces of buttered bread and sat down to watch I Love Lucy.
Subject has been exceedingly rude to her significant other, accusing him of not listening to her, not caring, and generally making him feel like crap. The words "I am sorry I failed you love" were sent through text to her, at which she began to sob uncontrollably. Subject plans on not eating for a while except for the family meals that will be a necessity as to not get in trouble or have any suspicion cast upon her. Subject has described feelings of having her world crashing down upon her. She cannot go 10 minutes without crying. She feels her only retreat without Zach there to text throughout the day is sleep. Subject is distrustful of everybody, including her boyfriend. Subject feels the need to curl up into a ball and let her situation float over her. Subject wishes he were here to hold her as she curls into a ball. Subject wishes she wasn't so "damned reliant" on him. She is beginning to hate his parents for being so suspicious of him that he won't come see her on his weekend off.

Subject will finish this later.

Kinda cut the last one short...

So I was completely serious when I said mom had od'd.
I had gone into the bathroom because mom's bath was taking entirely too long. So I opened the shower door and found her with her face partially underwater. After several unsuccessful attempts to make her sit up I called Mitchell in who realized she wasn't just drunk as I had suspected.
She said she took 30 trazadone (sleeping pills hat she has a prescription for). Or rather, mumbled that she had. She couldn't really talk and I don't think she knew we were there. So I called Roger and then dad called 911 who took a ridiculously long time to get her ("You need to mark your driveway better" yeah, we'll get right on that. Now could you go get my practically comatose mother to the god damned hospital please?)

So we went to the hospital after the ambulance left. Basically we waited there for a few hours while they ran tests on her and asked us dumb fucking questions ("How do you know she drinks if you don't know where she keeps it?"- some dumb ass EMT that I wanted to punch in the idiot mouth if he hadn't been 2 feet taller than me) Then Ginger and Roger showed up and sat with us in the waiting room. They also invited their minister to come sit with us which made me want to go up to the maternity ward and kick every bassinet and stomp on the enclosed babies after I heard what she had to say ("We pray to you, great Lord, that everything will work out. While we may not understand your plan all the time, we trust in you to show us the way"- paraphrased, but seriously? No, fuck you. This great fucking god of yours has let both of my parents attempt suicide before I can even legally drive. So fuck you, fuck your sermon, and fuck your great fucking plan for us all because I want no part of it.)

So then they admitted her and dad spent the night at the hospital while Ginger and roger took us home because Bubbles and his friend Jimmy were already there waiting for us.

She's in ICU, sedated so she can get through the DT's. Her blood alcohol level was 2.61 when she was brought in, so if she was n0rmal, she would have been fucked up even without the trazadone.

And we're losing our house. That's what started the whole thing. I found he letter in the mail, showed it to Mitchell who went out and asked mom what the fuck it was about. Apparently she hasn't paid the mortgage in 9 months. She told him to kill her so we could use the insurance to buy the house back. He declined her offer, so she took it upon herself.

I'm constantly on the verge of breaking down, but for some reason I won't let myself. I'm not sure what will happen when I do. I told Zach I would try to warn him before I did so he could take cover. He's being tremendously supportive and I appreciate it. I haven't really cried since I found her and realized what was going on.
Maybe it hasn't hit me yet? I dunno. It will in its' own time and I'm not sure if I'll be ready when it does.

qefgWEG

so.

Went to Longwood, which was fun. basically just hung out with Zach and Amanda friday night, then slept in her room after snuggling with him for a bit. Then Saturday they forced me to play marvel ultimate alliance 2 before we went to lunch... then they made me eat. Zach left because he was done eating and he had to take dayquil for his cold which he totally gave to me but that's beside the point. She Amanda suggested i go with him, so I did. But I got lost when I tried to put my dishes away but Chad helped me out a bit... and then I had to call Zach to let me into the building becasue he had left before me and hadn't known I would be following him. So I stood in the rain for about 5 minutes waiting for him to answe his phone. But then we went up and watched movies for 6 hours before he made me go to bed. Then sunday morning went over to his room and cuddled and watched videos on youtube until we had to go across the street to the mcdonalds to meet mom.

Then Monday Morning I wake up to Mitchell yelling at mom for sleeping in too late to take him to community service. to make a long story short, she was drunk all day, then she pissed Mitchell off by coming into his fuckign shower and trying to open the shower door on him... so she now has a broken tail bone and a black eye.


cant finish this rifght now. Mom just od'd.
bye.

What I would have done differently

What I would have done differently today:

I would have told Bubbles to fuck himself when he called me at 2:30 in the morning to wake me up because he and Miranda were coming over.
I would have worn different pants than the ones that fall down with every step.
I would have not taken Mitchell and Mom's little joke of "losing me" so personally.
I would have told Mom to fuck herself when she said ''Oh, these will fit. Trust me."
I would have gotten that kick ass pinstriped bra.
I wouldn't have eaten at the Chinese restaurant.
I (probably) wouldn't have told Zach about my social anxiety.
I would gave told Mitchell and Mom to let me go into Grammy's house by myself for a few minutes.
I would have told the grandmother in Wal Mart not to yell at her grandchild for talking so much because she would miss it when he stopped talking once he got to be my age.
I wouldn't have brought up dad while we were driving.
I wouldn't have seen my mother's face fall when I did.
I wouldn't have burned myself on my cigarette.
I would have not been obnoxious to Zach when he was talking about the homicide near Longwood.
I wouldn't have asked my mother when she lost her virginity. (she was 15. 15!)
I would have tried to calm down in the middle of Wal Mart even though I practically had a panic attack.
I would have tried to be back home before Leviticus got here, even though I had no idea he was coming.
I wouldn't have told Mitchell that I hate mom. I want to have that information to myself.

dear god I'm lazy

Uhh hi.
So I haven't posted in...well, a while.
Not much has happened, and I'm ok with that.
I mean, unless you count the whole thing with court and my conselour.... but that's for later.
Zach's back at college, but I should be able to go see him in 2 weeks assuming mom doesn't throw a hissy fit and say she won't drive me.

So I'm currently looking at my fucking disgusting room, willing it to clean itself. It's almost worse than before, and that's saying something.
I think... I will clean tonight and then shower, and then try to be asleep by the time mom leaves for work. Probably wishful thinking, but I can try.

My court appointed counselor told my mom that I cut myself. It's pretty difficult to look her in the eye right now. My mom, I mean. My counselor's a bitch who i wish would just leave me the fuck alone and let me fix myself on my own.
But no. She has this whole plan of things she wants me to work on. Including, but not limited to, spending more time with my parents.
Why.
Just.
Fucking.
Why.
I don't really like my parents.
It's not even the typical teenage thing of "BAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ME IMA GO CUT MY HAIR DIAGONAL ACROSS MY FACE AND SEE IF THEY NOTICE ME THEN"
It's more of I see them as equals.
But I do sort of have this anger and disappointment of the whole not taking care of me and actually raising me instead of getting high/ drunk thing.
But I don't actively hate them. In fact, it would work well if we could just stay out of each others' way.
But nooooooo.
Sharon has all of these big ideas about fixing our family dynamic.
Not possible.
Not even plausible.
Stupid cunt.
You wonder why the suicide rate among teens is so high?
It's because you mess with them so fucking much and they get tired of it.
You can only bend wire so much before it snaps.
God I dislike that woman.

sdfgnjiwrug

Ok, so I think it's been proven that I am way to lazy to make this private. I also really don't care as much as I probably should. So what's been up with me for the past month?

Well, I've seen Zack a total of three times so far, and he's coming over again on Friday. I did clean my room, and I rearranged it so my bed is on the other side of the room. This past weekend Austen and I, after much bitching on my part, put up curtain type things made of sheets around my bed. They serve no purpose other than to keep Pennywise the Dancing Clown away from me while I sleep. (I started reading It, at Zach's constant suggestion. I don't think I've ever been more paranoid in my life.

Actually, I have to go now so I can get my book back from Mitchell. He took it because I can't see some stupid Magic Eye bullshit. I'm already pissy and have a headache, so this hasn't helped. I shall go retrieve my book now. Later.

Shhhh

Alright, I'm going to be making the blog private. If you want to be able to read it, comment on this post saying as much. Dont be timid... I really dont care who reads it, just dont want just anybody to, ya dig?

This will be my last post for a bit so whoever frequents can see this.... so I'll update now.
Zach leaves college tomorrow, which means I'll more likely than not be able to see him next week....kinda excited, kinda scared....

And I just told him that i cut myself. He took it fairly well.
Going to clean my room tomorrow so when he comes over he doesnt see it like this... because Austen was right. There are layers, and I'm sure you could spend days finding new things.

Talk to you guys later.

peace

Attencion

Everybody, Please be careful tomorrow. Not really worth explaining, but just keep an eye out for anything strange or unnerving...and remember that things will get better.

Peace

back

got back yesterday. It was a nice weekend, very hot.
grammy's back in the hospital, and I'm about to start cleaning my room again. Corbin's asleep on my couch in mitchell's room.

peace.

Bye

just a fast update before ginger and roger get home and we have to leave.
Umm...packed yesterday, roger picked me up, talked to Zach a few times, had dinner ( with a salad and everything... I swear ginger is june cleaver reincarnate.) went to bed...Zach called me at one in the morning....read a book about how evil liberals are and how saintlike the right wing is. I lol'd repeatedly.

Well, I'll talk to you guys in a little more than 2 days... Zach's supposed to call me right about now so I need to go somewhere where I have signal (e.g. not the basement where the computer is located.)

Everyone have a safe, fun weekend. I'll update when I get back

peace

Ghostly?

she's seen my grandfather.
what a coincidence. So have I. The only thing I regret now is that I dont remember where she said she had seen him.

I felt like posting that for some reason.



**She = My grandmother. We went to see her. She's batty.

clothes?

found another pair of pants... they're old, and were bought too small but now they fit which makes me feel really good :D
I also found another girl cut shirt, when i thought I only had one in my possession. I stand corrected. I still need to pack for this weekend. I cleaned my bowl kinda sorta.
The onyl thing I've had to eat today is doritos, and i shoudl probably get something real to eat before Zach calls me and bugs me about that some more. I know he wants the best for me, so I dont really mind. I wish it was still raining though. It was nice earlier, walking around in the rain while the power was off on the phone with Zach.

I likve these pants. And this shirt.

I'm awesome.

Damn.

I'm almost back to where I started. Fuck my life.

ow

ok so my head hurts, it feels like Im going to throw up, my grandmother is in the hospital after I had a dream last night that she died, Logan just went home, I haven't heard from Zach, my computer is being a flaming homosexual, and my throat hurts.

That's about it.

mergle.

nothing to say.
played mario kart last night
did 32 races by myself....that was a bitch
started super mario 64 today
I have 4 stars ^_^
so yeah.....


bye

ahhhh need water

so we all kinda got drunk last night...
turns out that that bottle of schnapps that disappeared was actually hidden by my beloved brother.
and sour apple schnapps is like...god juice.
we all kinda crashed around 6, except for mitchell who went to sleep at like 10 something I think after corbin and morgan left.

so here I am. I remember bits and pieces... we watched borat.... then this morning when I woke up, mitchell made me watch an eminem video, then i feel asleep again...then zach called...and he let me go back to sleep because I was hungover and groggy and couldnt really talk. so he called back an hour later and now I'm listening to music.

Dad left for his parents' house again. No clue when I'll see him again.

Going to the cabin on the 24th. I thin I'm going to try to get some pictures and post em up here.It's beautiful down there.

My head kind of throbs...I hadn't had much to eat yesterday... not smart, I know. But I've had a hot pocket now.

I'm going to go wake up mitchell because I'm bored and I need to tell him that dad is gone.

peace guys

so here I am

Mitchell came home early
they fucked up with the days
so he walked here this morning from the jail.
Austen spent last night, that was pretty fun.
Now Morgan Corbin and Mitchell are in his room watching the goonies and here I am.
cool, I know.

what the fuck

yesterday after me and leeroy came back from our walk, we put on once upon a time in mexico and we both ended up falling asleep.

I had a nightmare about zombies.
like, we were at ginger's house ( me mom ginger roger eric frank and one of the aunts from sabrina the teenage witch) from the outside, but when you went inside, it was our house.

so we were all talking about the jobs each of us needed to do to survive for now then we all plit off and worked accordingly.

I mentioned to mom about a rundown fence I had see.

- the interesting thing here is that the fence I was talking about is actually the old electric fence that we had to climb over for our walk in real life-

apparently in dream zombie world though, this was the fence they had put up to defend against the undead

--another sidenote--
-this is apparently a recurring dream, because I remember one from a few days ago where I first came home from a camp or a friends house or soemthing and found them all hiding from said zombies, thus I was not aware of said fence-

so she freaks out and we go to fix the fence, and I can see it the way it is in real life:
rusty and dilapidated

mom starts crying as we hear the zombies coming closer. I didnt see any faces but I saw legs and feet and heard the moans and that was all creepy enough.

so I told her it would be ok and then I woke up.


I swear, this is the first nightmare I ever remember having. not even things as a little kid.

so creepy.
it frightens me just thinking about it.

phone is now blue

Leeroy just left....
Mitchell gets out monday night....
so I need to clean his room....
I think I'll go do that now....



peace

<--insert witty post title here-->

just got back from a walk in the woods with leeroy. he came over this morning as we arranged last night....
twas a nice walk. went to the big rock then to the creek then back home.
gonna go play mario kart now.

peace

Strange

You know, the one day that I leave the house and actually do something, is the day I don't feel like writing any of it down.

Went to deckers, that was fine.
Zach called me while I was talking to him, and I made a snap decision to tell him about us. So I did, and he seems...maybe not worried, but concerned. So he wants to "talk me through" our relationship as it goes down the road....he sees him as this weird pedophiliac freak, which really isn't true at all ><
but he swore up and down not to tell dad so Im not worried.

but yeah. so before we left I called him back because when my phone had rung earlier I answered, said "be quiet" and hung up. then we went to nancy's, then to lunch then to the bank, and then to get dad's prescriptions. He had called me while dad was in the bank and I had answered...and then lost signal after the prescriptions...

I talk about that too much.


Anyway.

I need to clean my room and mitchell's, I need to charge my phone, and I need to make something for dinner soon.

Meh.

yeah

worthlesscreativeoutput.blogspot.com

took your suggestion.

On the Spot

She had a slow smile, as if she had to reassure herself every time that happiness was permissible. This was the only clue she let by that showed what she was like deep inside: so conscious of herself that she didn't know how she felt about anything anymore.
He noticed this when no one else did. He saw the hesitation in her eyes whenever a joke was told or someone humiliated themselves for the sake of humor. He wanted to fix this. He wanted to take away her inhibitions and her make her smile - laugh, even- without her giving a second thought.


*I got the first line in my head, then the rest just came. Probably won't go any farther than this. I'll post the others that I actually have written down tomorrow, like I've been saying for the past week and a half.

Viva la Vida

doing nothing...
just listening to coldplay, then some julian lennon.
kinda want to go down to the creek, but it's a little cold and the pants I'm wearing have two huge holes in the leg.

thinking about calling dad and seeing if he could take me to dr. decker's on Thursday. I just really need to get shit off my chest, and I'm getting tired of publishing posts full of nothing but bitching.

so I may do that. I dont know when dad is planning on coming home, or even if he is. This is such a fucked up situation.

Mom got me another exit sign for my room. It's not like the other one; it just needs to perch on something instead of being screwed into the wall. So I put it above my sliding glass door on the plate rack that sits there.

The phones got turned off last night because we hadnt paid the bill. So when zach tried to call me this morning it didnt work. so I emailed mom and she paid it and now balance is restored to the force.

I feel like running. I don't care where. Just running.
This is strange.

not good.

(10:57:46 PM) Zach: now I know you stressed but you are better then that
(10:57:52 PM) Zach: you dont need drugs
(10:58:05 PM) Zach: you are better person

I swear to god I feel so guilty right now it's not even close to funny.

thinking.

about a lot.
this potato tastes liek choclate.

and I think it would be cool fi when you step on something like a fork you wouldn't get stabbed or have to say "ouch I stepped on that" but you'd get sucked down into the item and it had this little justice system that would tell you you were bad for being negligent about the thing and would be all "dont do it again grr" and then it would let you go back up.

and how Zach practically hug up on me because he realized I was high as balls. Could over hear him and my sister talking her saying she wasnt mad, but dissappointed, and him saying he was mad. I have a bad feeling that if I continue to smoke (anything) our relationship is either going to fail or become very stressed.

fuck my life.

thinking.

need another cup of coffee.

I tried to sleep outside last night because it was nice and I thought I could manage in the dark by myself.

I almost did. I brought a few candles out with me and read for a while. Zach called, I drew a little. Finally went to sleep around 2 something. Woke up at 2:30. went back to sleep. Woke up again, dont remember the time. Woke up at 3:30,said fuck this and went inside.
woke up this morning at 10 something I think....cuz my phone was making sounds. I picked it up and opened it to check the time and Zach was on the line....that was sort of trippy. So I talked to him. Then made myself lunch. And now I'm sitting here listening to music.

And that's it.

current music: Smile Like You Mean It- The Killers
flavor of gum: Tropical twist
number of open tabs: 10

nothing to say.

I'm just kinda bored.

Mitchell gets out in 9 days. I need to clean his room before he comes home.

I had been sleeping in there even before he left because I really really really (really) don't like sleeping in my room alone (multiple reasons.) so I had been sleeping on my couch that he stole from me a while back. Then he left and I continued because of my aversion to my room and because it made me feel better.
So effectively I have messed it up a little.

I really just want to have a party.
Just kick back with some friends, a fire, music, Roger Roland Malone, some drinks.....ah.

I also really want to sketch something. My fingers are practically shaking with creativity right now. So drawing something would be like masturbation for my hands right now. The finished product being its cum.

Suddenly it doesn't surprise me why people give me strange looks.

I lost my pack of Turkish Silvers.

I don't need them, I would just really enjoy them right now.

I also need to clean my room. It's god awful.
And I need to rearrange it a little. My bed is currently next to the wall that is next to the laundry room where mom sleeps. And that just won't work.... especially if I became sexually active (which I'm not and not planning on it) and because I sit there when I'm on the phone and the majority of my conversations do not need to be over heard, at the very least by my mother.

I wonder something. What exactly is the point of purchasing white pants? They're just going to get dirty. Might as well buy black of brown pants instead; it will be the end result.
The fact that I myself own a pair of white pants is not the point of the story. It was part of a halloween costume and they just happen to be sort of comfortable. I also am aware that they will not be white for long and have taken to doodling little hippie type things on my legs. I have a rainbow on my knee. I wonder how many people can say that and not be lying.

I also wonder something else.
Why is it that if a chick has a dildo, she is considered "sexually revolutionized" or whatever, but when I a guy gets a fleshlight he's pathetic? I've thought about this a lot, and I seriously can;t come up with a good answer. Anyone?

I really didn't expect to say this much. I figured it would just be a useless list of things I've done and haven't done and more of me feeling sorry for myself (which I have no business doing) but this was nice.



current music: Everything Will Be Alright by The Killers
current mood: thoughtful/jumpy
current footwear: none

adjvn

went to sleep at 5 this morning. woke up at 7:45 to go see Mitchell.
came back home fore a few hours. went to ginger's vow renewal at 12.
sat in a church for an hour.
did not get struck by lightning.
helped mom plant pansies on fauz's grave.
went to the reception at my grandmother's house.
talked to people who I have not seen in years, some whom I didnt even remember.
as we were leaving frank sees the cuts on my hand and asked who bit me. I didnt answer. he says" those arent bites?" and I don't answer. just changed the subject back to the beer he had tried to give me 20 minutes before. took a sip and left.
then we went to walmart where I found eyeshadow that almost matches my eyes perfectly. mom got fish and four snails for her aquarium.some food. then we went home.

it was the kind of day where it makes me wish I had had more than just the one hit off of Roger before leaving the house.

I'm tired, kinda hungry,and a little bit cranky.
I'm going to eat some cantalope and go read my book until I fall asleep.

good night, happy days to all

peace

And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home; Excitable Boy, they all said.

It is very sobering when you come to the conclusion that you are unlovable.

What's even stranger is that we're still together.

Stranger still is the fact that I'm not half as depressed as the first statement makes me sound. In fact, I'm not depressed at all. Simply sobered.

He took little Susie to the junior Prom, Excitable boy they all said.

nothing new really.

yesterday went for a walk like I said I would.
then today I left at 1:30, walked all over my woods to the big rock, around the creek taking pictures. Then I laid out my blanket and read for a bit in the rain. Got back at 3 so I spent a good amount of time out in nature.

need to find clothes for this saturday for ginger's vow renewal...don't remember if I mentioned that. Which means I have to go back to their church which I haven't done in.....fuckin years. SO it will be awkward. And highly uncomfortable. But Mitchell made me promise I would go and take pictures. So I will.

I'm fucking cold. With the combination of walking in the rain and having no heat, my fingers are freexing. I'm even wearing a fucking sweater which I never do.
I think I'll go take a shower. That may help.

Last night when I couldn't go to sleep I did a sketch of my left hand palm up. It's not too bad considering the time frame.

I'll post some things I've written tomorrow too. Don't expect much from me though. It's less than mediocre.

shower tiem.

peace.

a-hoy hoy

uhh yeah.
just finished breakfast which was microwave popcorn.
took a shower.
talked to zach.
tried to peal the masking tape off of my sliding glass door.

so I think I'm gonna take your advice and make this private...

if any of you want to read it, just send me an email or something....
chances are I'll permit you.

I am so bored that I'm contemplating cleaning.
seriously.

fukkit. I'll go have a cigarette and walk in the rain.

peace

I made brownies. And lunch. I need to empty the dishwasher for mom. I was washing my face after I got out of the shower (because I'm weird like that) and somehow managed to make the comb fall in the toilet and knock the lotion fall to the ground with my elbow. Skills.
But the lotion smells good. It's hemp infused although it says on the back it contains no THC which was a letdown...not that I really expected it to be in there.... nevermind.

it's so nice outside. It makes me want to put on a skirt and run around dancing in the sunshine. But I won't. Probably.

I got soul but I'm not a soldier

the title of this post comes from the song All These Things That I've done by The Killers whom I started listening to last night because I realized how awesome they were.

And that's about all I've got to report.
Gonna go take a shower.

peace

I need to start coming up with real post titles.

visited mitchell today, he seems peppy... which is kind of odd, but not entirely unexpected I guess. so I've been up since 8:00 this morning. I stayed up until a little past midnight because zach was going to call... then I decided that the phone would wake me up so I said fuck it and laid down. woke up at 1:03 when my phone screeched that I had a new voicemail, which was zach saying good night and not to worry about calling back. so I had stayed up for nothing but I don't really mind. except that because it woke me up, I couldn't get back into deep sleep for the rest of the night and I kept waking every hour and a half. so I've been tired all day from my lack of sleep and my early rising.

just noticed that several of those sentences start with the word so...and that bugs me. I mean, I realize that writing here doesn't need to be formal but it makes me feel like an idiot.

This bra is uncomfortable. Makes my boobs look good but still.

I'll uhh... I'll go now. Sorry.

mhmm

I thought I remembered saying I would update today so not being one to lie when i can avoid it, I am.
well, it's barely afternoon so not much has happened. woke up to zach calling me, like usual. I don't think he likes the thought of me alone all day. He's making me do an essay on the Gunslinger by stephen king that I have to turn in to him. 3-5 pages. I know it will help me with all this college stuff and my not being in school, but I'm laaaaaazy. He says he's going to fix that.

so I've been up since 10:05. haven't done much of anything. showered, changed my clothes. cleaned some of the smeared makeup off of my face. had two day old steamed shrimp. I should probably go find something real for breakfast. I wrote a few things last night that I'll post either later today or soon. They're just begginnings to stories, nothing spectacular- plus I wrote them at like one in the morning so I wasn't exactly entirely coherent.

yeah. I'm hungry so I'm going to attempt to find something edible here, which is comparable to finding a glass of ice water in the depths of hell. OH well. I'm not really complainging. I'm still alive.

Fuckin A

She's been coming into my room and stealing the bottles I've been taking from her.
You have no idea how much that pisses me off. She invades my privacy (ignoring the fact that I invaded hers fist by taking them) and takes things from me (again, ignoring the hippocracy ( that is so a word google. fuck yourself)) Mother fucker. So now I'm down an almost full bottle of vodka and an unopened bottle of sour apple schnapps. We had plans for those. God damn her. So I guess I need to install the new door knob and start locking my door at night. Great.

In other news, I got bored so I put makeup on. Lipstick that I found in my closet, lip gloss that tastes like cherry vanilla coke, eyeliner (navy blue, teal and black :D) mascara, blue eyeshadow and face...stuff. I dunno what to call it. So I effectively look like a 20 dollar prostitute. The even sadder thing is that my outfit does not match it at all- magical mystery tour shirt, and over shirt and a floor length earth toned skirt. So I look ridculous and I'm pissed. But oddly happy. My mood does that sometime. Ah, Nirvana. Angry music time. I feel like hugging something and then punching it to death. reading that over it makes me laugh. I'll go now.

peace

yeah.

nothing really to report.
mitchell's in jail. he took a plea bargain that I may explain later but basically it comes down to he's in there for two weeks or a little more. It's alright though. I mean, tuesday night I didn't take it quite as well as I would have expected from myself. But no one was online, Zach was doing something...and my mom was drunk...and I mean, there's a box of razorblades right fucking next to the front door. Doing that to me is like putting a syringe next to a heroin addict and expecting him not to touch it. So I have 4 vices. Smoking, cutting, pot, and drinking. But I'm quitting smoking soon. I can tell myself I've quit cutting but I know it's more likely that I'll do it again sometime. And pot and drinking are social so I dont really count those. I'm not exactly a healthy person. But oh well. I've survived thus far.

Monday night before court the next morning Mitchell taught me macrame.
for those who don't know it's kinda like braiding but with four strings instead of three. Not really, but it's comparable and the easiest way to explain it. But yeah. so I've been doing some of that and it's nice. it keep my hands busy which will help with quitting smoking and it lets me think...which may not be the best thing for me to do now that I think about it. But again, oh well.

I've been listenign to music a lot more than I had been lately. I guess I took a break while everything was falling apart for some reason which makes no fucking sense since that could have helped me. When we went to walmart the other day, which I'll explain later cuz it's kind of a sob stroy I guess, Mitchell and I bought like 6 different cds which was nice. I like to own the actually physical disk as well as have to music on my computer. I dunno. I guess I'm weird like that.
So we got best of three dog night cuz we had none for some god awful reason, the eagles new album which really isn't bad, bat out of hell which is surprisingly good, lynard skynard (mitchell's. I don't like them that much) and the bets of warren zevon which was the entire reason i wanted to go in the first place. Also was the last thing I found. one copy left. sitting on some strange shelf in front of a letter that I dont think even sounded like Z.

and now I've lost my train of thought because Zach called me and I was on the phone for 40 minutes.

I'll try to post tomorrow. I'm going to go read or something and wait for him to finish his homework.

peace guys.

just...nothing...

woke up this morning at almost eleven because zach was calling me. talked to him for about 4 minutes until I realized that Mitchell had a meeting with his lawyer at 10:30 this morning. Zach had to go anyway so we hung up, I woke up mitchell who was pissed because mom had forgotten and went to work anyway. This is the earliest I've been up all week. I have no idea what the fuck Im doing with my life. I mean, homeschool sure. We're looking into dual enrollment with NVCC. I have to go back to the school to return books and shit and to talk to the college lady to see if i can do this. It says on the website that if you're 16 and in homeschool you can do it but I have enough faith in my abilities when I apply myself that I could manage right now. I'll take any tests they want me to. I'm just tired of being in high school. It's not that I think I'm better than it or that I already know it all. It's more that I could be doing better things with my time. I want to take my GED and go to college. But no. I'm a year late. Fuck.
I'll talk more later about this when I'm more awake and not to stressed.

Peace

Book

I wrote this today in business law class. It really doesnt say anything...I was writing it so that I have something when i write my book, but I realized i hadnt updated in a long fucking while and that a lot had changed. so here.


So here I am in this class full of seniors, two juniors and a sophomre where im the only freshmen sitting with a chair between me and the creepy girl who’s shorter than I am whose hobbies include talking about meth, looking up horse porn on the school computers and talking about the wild bondage-ey sex she’s going to have with the female librarian. She sounds worse than she really is. I can talk to her sometimes. She’s not stupid, just fucked up. Anyway, im in this class and im in a group with her (amy) and her male equivalent of a mistress. We’re supposed to be working on a poster or something for this business law class but none of us have any idea what we’re talking about. She just got back from court so I havent discussed what we’re doing yet for fear of upsetting her. I am not normally so timid as I am in this class, but from my view point such a change would be understandable. I started this class this semester with two friends, both my grade, in this class with me. Within the first two days, they had transferred out leaving me, too stubborn to give up. Of course, this is ignoring the point that im doing homschool soon which for me is the equivalent of the flight option. I don’t like people. It usually takes a bit for someone to prove to me that they’re worth my time. This proving is generally something they don’t know is occuring. I tend to observe, listen to their interactions with others that they already feel comfortable with. If im lucky, I can see them in an uncomfortable situation too. You can learn a lot about the world around you if you just shut up and watch.for example: I know the guy that sits across from me is unmotivated and will porbably come back to live in this god forsaken county after he graduates, though looking at his work ethic in this class, he may not walk at all. I also know that he’s scared of me, as are the majority of the people in this class. I sit in the corner, wear black and an oversized torn up jacket, a rainbow wristband and ratty jeans. School shooter regalia? Im honestly not sure. Th jacket is comfortable as are the pants. The writsband…I started wearing while my brother was in jail because he was with me when I bought it. Although, it just makes even more people think im gay, which is something amy brought to my attention the other day when she told me I look creepy because I sit here in my corner without talking with my “gay colored” wristband. She asked me if I was gay and I jokingly with a smirk said yes. I asked her if that bothered her and said no with a snort. Of course, this is coming from the girl who last year in my latin class wrote me a love letter. She doesn’t scare me. She mearly boggle my mind we’re a lot alike. We both toke, we both come off as “weird” (apparently) and as much as I hate to say it (boy do I hate to say it) we’re both misunderstood. Im fairly certain that underneath the dark eyes, the creepy laughs, the silence, both of us are fairly nice people. Im not sure, about either of us. Im still in that “trying to find myself” stage which scares me. Especially because of zach. Im fifteen. He’s already talking about marriage. That doesn’t bother me. In fact, it sound wonderful. He’s perfect. I love him and im in love with him. But im afraid of falling out of love with him. In three years, when im 18, who knows what kind of person ill be like? Who knows what will be going through my mind? Does god? Will I believe in him? There are so many questions. No answers. I don’t like it, this not knowing. It’s what keeps me up at night. As does my arm. I prefer to sleep on my right side, and currently im sleeping on my couch in my brother’s room because I don’t like sleeping in my room alone. So my right arm gets laid on and gets that pins and needles affect while my legs are curled up around me. Sound uncomfortable but it’s not bad. Better than sleeping on my bed in the corner of my room next to my sliding glass door which even with the addition of curtains, still scares me. As does amy with scissors. She’s working on the poster project we’re doing that’s due tomorrow, Friday. Cutting and pasting seems fairly unhazardous but when you put it in this chick’s hands anything sharp becomes worthy of defcon 2.

ergh

skipping school today.
my nose is swollen.
Mitchell punched me in the nose last night cuz i pissed him off... we were just horsing around and it went too far.
So now there's a cut on my nose and blood in my nostrils still.
I didn't want to go into school like this. plus, mom woke me up late so i wouldnt have been able to make it to school on time.
my face hurts.Really bad. i cant laugh too hard or smile or do the twitchy nose thing anymore..
it's not broken. It's just inflamed.
fuck.

fgsfds

so...
mitchell's home. he got out on bond on... sometime in january. I dont even remember the date now. I think it was the 13th.
been playing shitloads of mario kart.
not really eating but maybe thats for the best.
california guy? just friends. not crushin anymore, hes an ass but a pretty good friend sometimes.
*sigh* met another guy.. i dont plan on makign the same mistakes though, so he has no idea.
neither do I.
I dont even know if I like him or what.
I dont know if he likes me either. I have my own suspicions but im probably being deludued by my own pathetic needs.
how sad.
california guy is going to school. he starts tomorrow so i wont be able to talk to him for a few weeks... and now im just apathetic.. I dont know why it bothers me so much. i dont like him like that anymore so wtf...
I have silly putty.
silly putty, mario kart and the guy from facebook.
pretty much all i got going for me right now.
but Ive got mitchell...
and maybe some friends..
i dont know anymore.
Im a complete bitch.
Im pretty sure people are only friends with me cuase I scare them.
or maybe im thinking to highly of my intimidation factor.
it's just so easy to feel lonely in this big crowded world.. it's astounding.
i have school tomorrow.
i should be asleep.
but i dont care anymore.
peace to the rest of you though

yeah, im horrid, so what

so much for new year's resolutions.
so far ive pretty much stopped eating, took up an old habit already, and havent gotten any closer to learning the pokeman rap.
damn im bad at this.
fuck.

hi...

i'm really bad at this whole updating thing.
my stomach hurts like a crazed mother fucker.
I um... met a guy.
who happens to like me as much as i like him...
but he uh.. lives in california.and is going to be 7 years older than me in february...
so we're just friends.
I got a camera, a set of headphones, a pair of boots, a 5 in 1 hair deely, and a cordless mouse for Christmas.
this morning, mom gave me a shirt that has Martin Luther King and Obama with the heading From A Dream... To A Reality and a beanie that just says Obama- 44th president.

I'm still sick... and it's as if it's just getting worse. what started out as a cough turned into congestion and sneezing with the occasional cough and then back into a cough and now into soemthing like a stomch virus, but im ot sure if they're related. All i know is that i've been sick for 3 weeks now and im fucking tired of it....


alright. enough bitching.
i know i have absolutely no right to ask. i mean, I was the one who pished you away.
But as you must have recently noticed, I'm tired of being a bitch. i'm trying to become more peacful.
which means, i really do care what's going on with you and i'd like to know, And it doesnt help when your blog has been turned to private and i can't access it >.<
Please?
If the answer is no, i completely understand.
but i'd like the naswer to be yes.

peace guys. Court is on the 9th. good lick for us i hope.